Blanche: This is strictly off the record but Dirk is nearly five years younger than I am.
Dorothy: In what, Blanche, dog years?
Sophia: Rose, just remember, you're smarter than people say you are. You've got good sense, and you know what you're doing.
Rose: Oh, Sophia.
Sophia: Blanche, you're a slut.
Blanche: Oh, Sophia.
Sophia: You're Blanche's daughter, the model?
Rebecca: That's right.
Sophia: What did she model - car covers?
Rose: Like we say in St. Olaf, Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund's Day without the headless boy.
Dorothy: When a 22-year-old girl marries a man who's 80, chances are she is not after his body.
Blanche: I'm jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo.
Dorothy: That's pretty jumpy.
Rose: Back where I come from, most people won't eat store-bought cake.
Dorothy: Rose, back where you come from, people live in windmills and make love to polka music.
Rose: Stop it, Dorothy. You're making me homesick.
Sophia: All you ever do is talk about your sexual problems! Well, what about my sexual problem?
Dorothy: Ma, what is your sexual problem?
Sophia: I'm not getting any.
Sophia: Make way for the victors.
Rose: You won the big game?
Sophia: No, Rose. We lost and we all changed our names to Victor.
Dorothy: Oh, Angela, you really don't have to go.
Angela: Thank you, Dorothy. I'd love to stay, but I hate your mother.
Rebecca: I'm havin' this baby in a birthin' center. They emphasize natural childbirth without any painkillers.
Blanche: Honey, I know I told you where babies come from, but did I ever mention where they come OUT?
Rose: My mother always used to say: "The older you get, the better you get, unless you're a banana."
Sophia: If this sauce were a person, I'd get naked and make love to it.
Rose: You don't understand. Everyone likes me-I'm the nice one! Dorothy is the smart one, Blanche is the sexy one, Sophia is the old one, and I'm the nice one! everybody likes me.
Sophia: The old one isn't so crazy about you.
Rose: The laws in St. Olaf are very stringent. Their motto is 'Use a gun, go apologize.'.
Rose: Oh, come on, Dorothy, that balloon man couldn't have been that terrible.
Dorothy: I got the feeling I was the man's first date that wasn't inflatable.
Sophia: I need the money for my old age.
Dorothy: Old age? You don't leave fingerprints anymore.
Blanche: The Great Herring War?
Rose: Between the Lindstroms and the Johannsens.
Dorothy: Oh, that Great Herring War.
Dorothy: What are you trying to say, Rose? Weddings make you HOT?
Sophia: Kitchen, bedroom, I knew it was a room I was good in.