PA System: Due to circumstances beyond our control, lunch will be served today.
Margaret: Act like a man, you sniveling twerp!
BJ: Radar, old buddy, looking at you is like looking at money in the bank
Radar: All the other tents, they just say 'hello'
BJ: Would you like to join us?
Radar: What are you playing?
Hawkeye: Double Kranko
Hawkeye: Uh, bishops are worth three jacks...
Hawkeye: Checkers are wild...
Hawkeye: And...you have to be twenty-one or older to open
BJ: Care to sit in for a hand?
Hawkeye: You'll get out by dawn.
Radar: Ah, no, thank you, sirs. Whenever I lose, I like to know why.
Frank: Corporal Travis, Richard. To Tokyo. Typical psycho case, shell shock.
Trapper: Frank, that's straight outta World War One! Nobody thinks shell shock anymore.
Frank: Oh, what's the diff? Too much action gets them in the old brain box; makes even the best soldier gaga.
Trapper: Frank, I defy you to show me a medical book that lists the word 'gaga'.
Frank: [after Hawkeye hits him] Captain Pierce, I accuse you of striking a superior officer. A court-martial offense under the Articles of War. And I have two witnesses!
Trapper: [to Hawkeye] I didn't see anything, did you?
Hawkeye: My back was turned. [Drops towel in Frank's face.] BA-DUM-BUMP!
Trapper: Case dismissed.
Frank: [on Margaret's request] I just can't do it, Margaret. It just rubs against the grain. "Neither a lender nor a borrower be." Polonius.
Margaret: "To give, and not count the cost." St. Ignatius Loyola
Frank: "The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet, and steady, and loyal and enduring a nature, that it will last throughout a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money." Mark Twain.
Margaret: "Blow it out your ear!" Margaret Houlihan.
Pierce: Listen, Frank. We're all gonna make nice for Captain Hildebrandt today, but don't push us.
Burns: Well, a shave wouldn't be a bad start. You both look more like bums than doctors.
Trapper: Actually, I was, uh, I was thinking of becoming a bum doctor. But the proctology class was full!
Burns: HA! HA! HA!
Henry Blake: Do we have enough sherry and ginger-ale for the General?
Radar: Oh, nobody does, sir.
Henry Blake: Oh, fine then, if nobody does we don't have to, but make sure we do, just in case we don't.