Langford T. Belmont: So when it comes time to fix that refrigerator magnet or put together a little house of popsicle sticks, you don't want some cheap synthetic glue. You want pure mutilated horse paste.
Danny DeVito: Lighten up, Church Lady. You act like you haven't had your ticket punched since Ike carried his own golf clubs.
Sean Connery: Knock, knock.
Alex Trebek: Who's there?
Sean Connery: Me, the guy who slept with your mother last night.
Kevin Nealon: In health news, scientists have announced the invention of a women's condom. The condom works by fitting snugly over a woman's wine glass.
George W. Bush: I'm gonna be around for a long time. On the job, making the tough decisions 24/7. That's 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.
Harry Caray: Hey, if you were a hot dog, and you were starving, would you eat yourself?
Colin Quinn: I don't know.
Harry Caray: Don't jerk me around, Norm, it's a simple question. A baby could answer it. If you were a hot dog, and you were starving, would you eat yourself?
Colin Quinn: I guess so.
Harry Caray: Oh, you made a wise choice, my friend.
Ross Perot: Now, I think the deficit is like a crazy old aunt that lives in the cellar: everybody knows she's down there, but nobody wants to talk about her. Well, I say bring her on up and give the bitch a good hosing.
Marty Culp: Bobbi and I once faced the terrors of tripping on pot.
Tim Meadows: Did he say anything about people getting hurt?
Lorne Michaels: He said something after the ratings thing, but I really wasn't listening.
Parent: My kid saw that Tim Allen movie nine times. He loves Santa.
Dan Aykroyd: Kid, let me tell you something. I did time with Tim Allen. He's real people but he's no Santa Claus.
Norm Macdonald: The Rolling Stones reunited for a twenty-fifth anniversary tour last week. Keith Richards said that he's happy to continue to do what he's been doing for the past twenty-five years: cheating death.