Albert Brooks: Write down that Polish jokes work everywhere.
David Howard: Shut up Brad! Your song stunk, I hate your suit and I could hurt you.
David Howard: I'm insane and responsible. This is a potent combination.
David Howard: That's why I married her.
Skippy: That's why I hired her.
David Howard: I've seen the future! And it's a bald-headed man from New York.
David Howard: Weren't you scared? What were you talking about?
Linda Howard: Oh, God. I - He was telling me his whole life story. He was divorced. He got kicked out of the Army. He couldn't keep the job. Do you know he escaped from prison?
David Howard: What did he do?
Linda Howard: Well, to hear him tell it, he says those two guys were dead when he got there.
David Howard: Oh, God.
David Howard: He'll buy that boat from that stupid boat catalog he's been making me look at for the last two months, and he will crash that boat off Catalina Island, and he will drown and die and seals will eat him.
David Howard: As the boldest experiment in advertising history, you give us our money back.
Desert Inn Casino Manager: I beg your pardon?
John Henderson: We're in the 90s, mother. It's fancy jam time.
John Henderson: Stop. No more food. It's like fantasia.
John Henderson: You're running a food museum here.
John Henderson: I know why she hates me! I know why she hates me! I know why she hates me.
Jennifer Tilly: Isn't Josh a doll?
Steven Phillips: Oh, yes, he's a real doll. He's like a regular little Chucky.
Sarah: I feel like you're losing your edge.
Steven Phillips: Jesus! I am hearing this from everybody.
Sarah: That's because it's true.
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