Dick: Does anyone remember why we all decided to be white?
Harry: Oh, um, I went with white ‘cause I thought it'd be a little cooler in the summer.
Tommy: Well don't you remember, Dick? All the television signals that we picked up in outer space were filled with white people.
Sally: Oh, except for that, uh, that black nerd with the hiked-up pants and the oversized glasses. What was his name?
Tommy: Bryant Gumbel.
Dick: Tommy, do you ever doodle?
Tommy: Why, was I in the bathroom too long?
Dick: I can't doodle.
Tommy: Well Dick, you're kind of old.
Dick: Old? Picasso doodled on tablecloths late into his sixties.
Tommy: That's disgusting.
Dick: I know. I just can't draw.
Tommy: Oh, doodling.
Evil Dick: Stay and witness my moment of glory, as I impregnate the entire population of Ohio with my demon progeny.
Tommy: Wait, wait. Even the men?
Evil Dick: Okay, not the men.
Sally: What about little girls?
Evil Dick: Mmm, no, not them.
Tommy: What about elderly women?
Evil Dick: I don't think so.
Harry: What about women who are already pregnant?
Evil Dick: Oh, shut up, all of you! Okay, so apparently I won't be impregnating the entire population of Ohio. But all fertile women of child-bearing age who are not currently pregnant, and that's a lot!
Dick: Hey Tommy, how was school?
Tommy: Terrible. I got hauled into the principal's office because of my grades.
Harry: What'd he do to ya?
Tommy: Made me Valedictorian. Apparently I have the best grades in the school, dammit.
Dick: But you barely ever go to class.
Tommy: I know. That's how stupid everyone else is. Dammit!
Harry: Hey, what's the matter, Tommy?
Tommy: I have to write a twenty-page history paper by tomorrow.
Harry: Oh, that's tough.
Tommy: Oh, oh, and on top of that, George Kapasouris was waiting for me after school to beat me up 'cause I wouldn't let him cheat off my algebra test.
Harry: Whoa, so what'd you do, hop the fence and run home?
Tommy: Well no, I kicked his ass, but I mean, that's not the point. I shouldn't have to do that.
[The Solomons are doing their taxes for the first time.]
Dick: Alright, Form 10-40. First name: Dick. Last name: Solomon. And Mary said this would be complicated.
Sally: Dick this is so boring. Why are we doin' it?
Dick: Because Sally, this is what humans do. It's like their national pastime. And you don't want us to stand out.
Harry: Hey, you know what'd be funny? Where it says "Sex," write "frequently."
Sally: That's a good one Harry.
Dick: They don't ask for your sex here.
Harry: Hmm. Well if there's any place that you can indicate that you like to have frequent sex, I think it's worth doing.
Sally: Farm income or loss. So did our farm show a profit last year?
Dick: No, we're Schedule F.
Tommy: Wait wait, we didn't have a farm last year.
Harry: We lost the farm? No!
Dick: Line 14, other gains or losses.
Tommy: I gained two lbs.
Sally: I lost my virginity.
Harry: Hey, there's your opportunity for that frequent sex thing if you wanna just throw it in.
Dick: Enter itemized deductions from Page 3, Schedule C, Line 2 to the extent they are allowable on Schedule A Form 10-40 NR.
Sally: Enter the larger of your itemized deductions from Line 28 or standard deduction shown on the left. My left or its left?
Tommy: See Page 30 to find your standard deduction if you've checked any box on Line 35-A or 35-B or if someone can claim you as a dependent.
[The entire family is shown to be very confused and the scene transitions to a short time later.]
Harry: I'm telling you, there is no Schedule B.
Tommy: There has to be, dammit!
Dick: I don't understand this, I'm a superior being. I can calculate the decaying orbit of a dying moon to within a tenth of an inch. Why can't I calculate the subtotal of Line 59-A? Why can't I find Line 59-A? Where the hell is Line 59-A!?
Sally: Calm down.
Dick: [begins tearing up his tax forms.] I can't take this anymore! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! [Suddenly finds Line 59-A.] Oh here it is. Everybody just settle down.
[The Solomons are sitting in their car after attending a white power rally.]
Sally: Well it's a good thing Barry White wasn't there.
Harry: Those guys were kinda creepy.
Tommy: Why do you think they burned that giant lower-case letter T?
Dick: I don't want to be a part of any group that hates the lower-case letter T.
[The Solomons discover that they owe $9,500 in back-taxes.]
Sally: Oh my god you guys, what are we gonna do?
Tommy: I mean look at all these receipts from all these meals. If we'd only talked about business during some of them we could write off all this money as deductions.
Dick: Who says we didn't talk about business?
Tommy: Yes, 'cause that's the only reason we ever go out to eat anyway, right, is to talk about business.
Harry: Okay, I must tune out because I never hear us talking about business.
Dick: Yes, we can lie on our taxes.
Tommy: I can't believe that no human has ever thought of this before.
Sally: Okay, wait a second you guys. What if we get caught?
Dick: How can we get caught? All those other dopes out there are telling the truth about their taxes, they're just going to assume that we are too.
Adam: See, but... That's bullshit. That's what everyone has been telling me since the beginning."Oh, you're gonna be okay, " and "Oh, everything's fine, " and like, it's not... It makes it worse... That no one will just come out and say it. Like, "hey man, you're gonna die."
Rachel Hansen: PMS?
Tom: What do you know about PMS?
Rachel Hansen: More than you, Tom.
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