Quotes from Joseph Gordon-Levitt movies and TV shows

Dick, Who's Coming to Dinner - S5-E6

Sally: If I could change the world, I'd make every guy look like Don.
Tommy: How would you tell which one was Don?
Sally: They wouldn't all be named Don, dumbass.
Harry: I wonder what I'd look like if I looked like Don.

Phaneron

Dick, Who's Coming to Dinner - S5-E6

Dick: Does anyone remember why we all decided to be white?
Harry: Oh, um, I went with white ‘cause I thought it'd be a little cooler in the summer.
Tommy: Well don't you remember, Dick? All the television signals that we picked up in outer space were filled with white people.
Sally: Oh, except for that, uh, that black nerd with the hiked-up pants and the oversized glasses. What was his name?
Tommy: Bryant Gumbel.
Sally: Right.

Phaneron

The Loud Solomon Family: A Dickumentary - S5-E9

Tommy: [Reading a fortune from a cookie] "There is no substitute for hard work."
Dick: Ah, how true is that? Harry, what does yours say?
Harry: Oh, um, "Your life is like a kite, somehow."
Dick: Harry, did you eat yours again?
Harry: Yeah.

Phaneron

The Art of Dick - S1-E11

Dick: Tommy, do you ever doodle?
Tommy: Why, was I in the bathroom too long?
Dick: I can't doodle.
Tommy: Well Dick, you're kind of old.
Dick: Old? Picasso doodled on tablecloths late into his sixties.
Tommy: That's disgusting.
Dick: I know. I just can't draw.
Tommy: Oh, doodling.

Phaneron

See Dick Continue to Run, Continued (3) - S2-E2

Evil Dick: Stay and witness my moment of glory, as I impregnate the entire population of Ohio with my demon progeny.
Tommy: Wait, wait. Even the men?
Evil Dick: Okay, not the men.
Sally: What about little girls?
Evil Dick: Mmm, no, not them.
Tommy: What about elderly women?
Evil Dick: I don't think so.
Harry: What about women who are already pregnant?
Evil Dick: Oh, shut up, all of you! Okay, so apparently I won't be impregnating the entire population of Ohio. But all fertile women of child-bearing age who are not currently pregnant, and that's a lot!

Phaneron

The Big Giant Head Returns Again (1) - S5-E21

Dick: Hey Tommy, how was school?
Tommy: Terrible. I got hauled into the principal's office because of my grades.
Harry: What'd he do to ya?
Tommy: Made me Valedictorian. Apparently I have the best grades in the school, dammit.
Dick: But you barely ever go to class.
Tommy: I know. That's how stupid everyone else is. Dammit!

Phaneron

Portrait of Tommy as an Old Man - S3-E19

Harry: Hey, what's the matter, Tommy?
Tommy: I have to write a twenty-page history paper by tomorrow.
Harry: Oh, that's tough.
Tommy: Oh, oh, and on top of that, George Kapasouris was waiting for me after school to beat me up 'cause I wouldn't let him cheat off my algebra test.
Harry: Whoa, so what'd you do, hop the fence and run home?
Tommy: Well no, I kicked his ass, but I mean, that's not the point. I shouldn't have to do that.

Phaneron

Dick and Taxes - S4-E12

[The Solomons are doing their taxes for the first time.]
Dick: Alright, Form 10-40. First name: Dick. Last name: Solomon. And Mary said this would be complicated.
Sally: Dick this is so boring. Why are we doin' it?
Dick: Because Sally, this is what humans do. It's like their national pastime. And you don't want us to stand out.
Harry: Hey, you know what'd be funny? Where it says "Sex," write "frequently."
Sally: That's a good one Harry.
Dick: They don't ask for your sex here.
Harry: Hmm. Well if there's any place that you can indicate that you like to have frequent sex, I think it's worth doing.
Sally: Farm income or loss. So did our farm show a profit last year?
Dick: No, we're Schedule F.
Tommy: Wait wait, we didn't have a farm last year.
Harry: We lost the farm? No!
Dick: Line 14, other gains or losses.
Tommy: I gained two lbs.
Sally: I lost my virginity.
Harry: Hey, there's your opportunity for that frequent sex thing if you wanna just throw it in.
Dick: Enter itemized deductions from Page 3, Schedule C, Line 2 to the extent they are allowable on Schedule A Form 10-40 NR.
Sally: Enter the larger of your itemized deductions from Line 28 or standard deduction shown on the left. My left or its left?
Tommy: See Page 30 to find your standard deduction if you've checked any box on Line 35-A or 35-B or if someone can claim you as a dependent.
[The entire family is shown to be very confused and the scene transitions to a short time later.]
Harry: I'm telling you, there is no Schedule B.
Tommy: There has to be, dammit!
Dick: I don't understand this, I'm a superior being. I can calculate the decaying orbit of a dying moon to within a tenth of an inch. Why can't I calculate the subtotal of Line 59-A? Why can't I find Line 59-A? Where the hell is Line 59-A!?
Sally: Calm down.
Dick: [begins tearing up his tax forms.] I can't take this anymore! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! [Suddenly finds Line 59-A.] Oh here it is. Everybody just settle down.

Phaneron

Dick, Who's Coming to Dinner - S5-E6

[The Solomons are sitting in their car after attending a white power rally.]
Sally: Well it's a good thing Barry White wasn't there.
Harry: Those guys were kinda creepy.
Tommy: Why do you think they burned that giant lower-case letter T?
Dick: I don't want to be a part of any group that hates the lower-case letter T.

Phaneron

Dick and Taxes - S4-E12

[The Solomons discover that they owe $9,500 in back-taxes.]
Tommy: $9,500?
Sally: Oh my god you guys, what are we gonna do?
Tommy: I mean look at all these receipts from all these meals. If we'd only talked about business during some of them we could write off all this money as deductions.
Dick: Who says we didn't talk about business?
Tommy: Yes, 'cause that's the only reason we ever go out to eat anyway, right, is to talk about business.
Sally: Business.
Harry: Okay, I must tune out because I never hear us talking about business.
Dick: Yes, we can lie on our taxes.
Tommy: I can't believe that no human has ever thought of this before.
Sally: Okay, wait a second you guys. What if we get caught?
Dick: How can we get caught? All those other dopes out there are telling the truth about their taxes, they're just going to assume that we are too.

Phaneron

Kyle: You could have totally fucked the shit out of that girl.
Adam: No one wants to fuck me. I look like Voldemort.

Kyle: She doesn't blow you?
Adam: ...She doesn't like to.
Kyle: Of course she doesn't like to. No one likes putting a dick in their mouth.

Adam: You should go.
Rachael: I don't want to go. I want to stay here with you.
Adam: No, seriously... You need to get the fuck off my porch.

Adam: See, but... That's bullshit. That's what everyone has been telling me since the beginning."Oh, you're gonna be okay, " and "Oh, everything's fine, " and like, it's not... It makes it worse... That no one will just come out and say it. Like, "hey man, you're gonna die."

Adam: That's what everybody's been saying: You'll feel better and don't worry and this is all fine and it's not.
Katherine: You can't change your situation. The only thing that you can change is how you choose to deal with it.

Adam: What were you doing when I called? Were you on facebook?
Katherine: You know... Umm... Stalking my ex-boyfriend actually isn't the only thing I do in my free time.
Adam: I wish you were my girlfriend.
Katherine: Girlfriends can be nice. You just had a bad one.
Adam: I bet you'd be a good one.

Tom: Did you ever do this, you think back on all the times you've had with someone and you just replay it in your head over and over again and you look for those first signs of trouble?

Tom: Paul, seriously...
Paul: Did you bang her?
Tom: No!
Paul: Blow job?
Tom: No!
Paul: Hand job?
Tom: No, Paul, no jobs. I'm still unemployed. We just kissed.

Rachel Hansen: PMS?
Tom: What do you know about PMS?
Rachel Hansen: More than you, Tom.

Tom: It's these cards and the movies and the pop songs, they're to blame for all lies and the heartache, everything.