Quotes from Hank Azaria movies and TV shows

Jim Brockmire: Lucy, put supper on the stove, my dear, 'cause this ballgame is over.

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Lucy Palotti: He is scum! As far as he's concerned, you're just a pair of breasts that talk.
Victor 'Animal' Palotti: Hey, there's an image.

Victor 'Animal' Palotti: You gonna be all right?
Lucy Palotti: Yeah, Audrey's gonna spend the night with us.
Victor 'Animal' Palotti: Cool. A threesome. That's excellent. I'm a little tired.

Victor 'Animal' Palotti: What do we do now?
Philippe Roaché: Running would be a good idea.

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Alan Marciano: Why'd I get mixed up with that bitch?
Vincent Hanna: Cause she's got a great ass. And you got your head...all the way up it. Ferocious, aren't I? When I think of asses...a woman's ass...something comes out of me.

Vincent Hanna: Charlene Shiherlis.
Alan Marciano: Who?
Vincent Hanna: Who? Who? What are you a fuckin' owl?

Kyle G.
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The Blue Raja: I'm a superhero, Mother. An effete British superhero. Your boy's a Limey forkflinger, Mother! What WILL the bridge club say?

The Blue Raja: May the forks be with us.

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Marge: You have to go out there, face that mob and apologize for what you did.
Homer: I would, but I'm afraid if I open the door, they'll take all of you!
Carl: [offscreen.] No we won't! We just want Homer!
Homer: Well, maybe not you, but they'll kill Grandpa!
Abe: [offscreen.] I'm part of the mob!

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Jaws Wired Shut - S13-E9

[Homer is at Moe's Bar talking about when his jaw was broken.]
Homer: And when I couldn't talk, I learned to listen! You can learn so much if you just listen once in a while.
Lenny: Let's try it!
[They listen and hear Moe on the phone in a back room.]
Moe: Hello, uh, I'd like to arrange for an escort, please? TO WHERE? How about orgasm-ville, ya dumb - hey, hello? Hello?

Who Shot Mr. Burns? (2) - S7-E1

Chief Wiggum: This bullet matches the one we took out of Burns. Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder.
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say "D'oh."

Bishop73

Marge vs. the Monorail - S4-E12

Mayor Quimby: Alright, I'm in charge here.
Chief Wiggum: Oh, run along Quimby. I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere.
Mayor Quimby: Watch it, you talking tub of donut batter.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I got pictures of you Quimby.
Mayor Quimby: You don't scare me. That could be anyone's ass.

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Homer vs. Patty and Selma - S6-E17

Chief Wiggum: Evening, Simpson. You got a short in your taillight, started blinking when you made that turn.

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The Principal and the Pauper - S9-E2

Superintendent Chalmers: The rod up that man's butt must have a rod up its butt.

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Moe Baby Blues - S14-E22

Marge: Ooh, a rattle. Thank you, Selma.
Moe: Yeah, great present, Selma. Nice of you to break a five.
Selma: Get a neck, Frankenstein.
Moe: Hey, open my present. Open my present. It's Uncle Moe's play tavern, with classic drunk Barney. Look, even the little toilet is broken.
Marge: I don't know if toy drunkards are an appropriate gift for a baby.
Moe: Sure they are. They even talk, look [flips switch on a Homer figurine].
Homer Figurine: I peed my pants.
Homer: I recorded that for private use!

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Homer the Smithers - S7-E17

Mr. Burns: Must call Smithers. He'll protect me from this beast. I've seen people activate this machine a thousand times. Doesn't seem to be any trick to it. Let's see, Smithers [begins dialing], S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S. Success, it's ringing!
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Mr. Burns: I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers. First name: Waylon
Moe: Oh, so you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Waylon, is it? Listen to me, you! When I catch you I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap out of you! Okay!? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!

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Flaming Moe's - S3-E10

Moe: Flaming Moe's.
Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name: Jass. First name: Hugh.
Moe: Uh, hold on, I'll check. Uh, Hugh Jass. Somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass.
Hugh Jass: I'm Hugh Jass.
Moe: Telephone.
Hugh Jass: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
Bart: Uh, hi.
Hugh Jass: Who's this?
Bart: Bart Simpson.
Hugh Jass: Well what can I do for you, Bart?
Bart: Uh, look. I'll level with you, mister. This is a crank call that sorta backfired, and I'd like to bail out right now.
Hugh Jass: Alright, better luck next time [hangs up]. What a nice young man.

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Cape Feare - S5-E2

Chief Wiggum: Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me Chief Piggum. [Gallery laughs] Oh, now I get it. Ah ha ha, that's good.
Selma: Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon.
Blue-haired Lawyer: How many people in this court are thinking of killing her right now? [A few people raise their hands] Be honest. [Everyone raises their hands, including Patty]
Patty: Ah, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.
Blue-haired Lawyer: Robert, if released would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson?
Sideshow Bob: Bart Simpson? The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hell-hole.
Parole Board Member #1: Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked hell-hole" when you could have said "pee-pee-soaked heck-hole."
Sideshow Bob: Cheerfully withdrawn.
Blue-haired Lawyer: Well what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say "Die Bart, Die?"
Sideshow Bob: No, that's German for "The Bart, The."
Parole Board Member #3: No one who speaks German could be an evil man.
Parole Board Member #2: Parole granted.

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22 Short Films About Springfield - S7-E21

Principal Skinner: Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
Superintendent Chalmers: Yes, I should be — Good lord, what is happening in there?
Principal Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Superintendent Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Principal Skinner: Yes.
Superintendent Chalmers: May I see it?
Principal Skinner: No.
Agnes Skinner: Seymour! The house is on fire!
Principal Skinner: No, Mother, it's just the Northern Lights.

The Canine Mutiny - S8-E20

Comic Book Store Owner: Now make like my pants and split!

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