Chief Wiggum: Hey, where is Sideshow Bob and that guy who, uh, eats people and takes their faces?
Guy Who Eats People and Takes Their Faces: I'm right here, Chief.
Chief WIggum: Oh. Then where's Sideshow Bob?
Prisoner: Eh, he ran off.
Chief Wiggum: Oh great! Well if anyone asks, uh, I beat him to death. Okay?
Officer Lou: Right.
Chief Wiggum: Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me Chief Piggum. [Gallery laughs] Oh, now I get it. Ah ha ha, that's good.
Selma: Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon.
Blue-haired Lawyer: How many people in this court are thinking of killing her right now? [A few people raise their hands] Be honest. [Everyone raises their hands, including Patty]
Patty: Ah, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.
Blue-haired Lawyer: Robert, if released would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson?
Sideshow Bob: Bart Simpson? The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hell-hole.
Parole Board Member #1: Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked hell-hole" when you could have said "pee-pee-soaked heck-hole."
Sideshow Bob: Cheerfully withdrawn.
Blue-haired Lawyer: Well what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say "Die Bart, Die?"
Sideshow Bob: No, that's German for "The Bart, The."
Parole Board Member #3: No one who speaks German could be an evil man.
Parole Board Member #2: Parole granted.
19th Jul 2019
19th Jul 2019
17th Jul 2019
New this week Revealing mistake: There are numerous episodes where Mike is recording a video for Outdoor Man with his webcam, and a status bar is advancing towards the end of the video, indicating that the live recordings were added to the video stream in post production and synced up to the original performance.Phaneron
20th Jun 2019
14th Jun 2019
Moe: Flaming Moe's.
Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name: Jass. First name: Hugh.
Moe: Uh, hold on, I'll check. Uh, Hugh Jass. Somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass.
Hugh Jass: I'm Hugh Jass.
Hugh Jass: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
Bart: Uh, hi.
Hugh Jass: Who's this?
Bart: Bart Simpson.
Hugh Jass: Well what can I do for you, Bart?
Bart: Uh, look. I'll level with you, mister. This is a crank call that sorta backfired, and I'd like to bail out right now.
Hugh Jass: Alright, better luck next time [hangs up]. What a nice young man.
Jack Bauer: Chloe, I need those schematics now.
Bart: What? Who is this?
Jack Bauer: I'm Jack Bauer. Who the hell are you?
Bart: Me? Uh, I'm Ahmed Adudi.
Jack Bauer: Chloe find out all you can about Ahmed Adudi. Does anyone there know Ahmed Adudi?
Chloe O'Brian: Ahmed Adudi: wealthy Saudi financier. Disappeared into Afghanistan in the late 90's.
Jack Bauer: Really?
Chloe O'Brian: No Jack, it's a joke name. You're being set up.
Jack Bauer: Dammit!
Mr. Burns: Must call Smithers. He'll protect me from this beast. I've seen people activate this machine a thousand times. Doesn't seem to be any trick to it. Let's see, Smithers [begins dialing], S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S. Success, it's ringing!
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Mr. Burns: I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers. First name: Waylon
Moe: Oh, so you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Waylon, is it? Listen to me, you! When I catch you I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap out of you! Okay!? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!
Bart: May I be excused, Mom?
Homer: Oh, so now you're quitting dinner too.
Marge: Homer, please.
Homer: I didn't raise him to be a quitter, Marge. It must have been you. You've quit every job you've had. Cop, pretzel vendor, church counselor, professional gambler.
Marge: He's doing what he thinks is best.
Homer: Well if quitting is the best, maybe I should just quit my job. [Picks up the phone and calls Mr. Burns.]
Mr. Burns: Ahoy-hoy.
Homer: Mr. Burns, this is Homer J. Simpson. The father of the big quitter. Well I just wanted to tell you I'm a big quitter too, and I quit [winks at phone].
Marge: Homer, Mr. Burns can't see you winking.
Homer: So? [Screams].
Homer: Look at these bills: chains for elephant. Shots for elephant. Over-sized decorative poncho?
Bart: Technically it's for a giraffe, but I think I can let it out a little.
Homer: Well these bills will have to be paid out of your allowance.
Bart: You'll have to raise my allowance to about a thousand dollars a week.
Homer: Then that's what I'll do, smart guy.
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