Ted

Ted (2012)

12 quotes

(4 votes)

Directed by: Seth MacFarlane

Starring: Joel McHale, Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis

Genres: Comedy

Movie Quote Quiz

Narrator: Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns AND missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.

John: You know, sometimes I think back to that Christmas morning when I was eight years old. I wish I had just gotten a Teddy Ruxpin.
Ted: Say that one more time.
John: TEDDY RUX-FUCKIN-PIN.

Ted: There. Proof. Garfield's eye look like a pair of tits.

Ted: Wow, look at you! Half Muslim and half American and you sold 37 million records!
Norah Jones: Actually, I'm half Indian half American, but thanks.
Ted: Thanks for 9/11!

Norah Jones: You did well for a guy with no dick.
Ted: Yeah, you have *no* idea how many angry letters I have written to Hasbro about that.

Narrator: No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a shit.

Ted: I look like Snuggles' accountant.

Frank: You think you got what it takes?
Ted: I'll tell you what I got. Your wife's pussy on my breath.
Frank: Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before.
Ted: That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box.
Frank: You're hired.
Ted: Shit.

John: What is this?
Ted: It's called "Mind Rape", it's actually pretty mellow.
John: It doesn't sound very mellow.
Ted: Well he only had three other batches: "Gorilla Panic", "They're coming! They're coming!" and something called "This Is Permanent.". Go on, spark it up!

Tom Skerritt: My daughter better still be alive you sick son of a bitch.

Ted: I look stupid.
John: No, you don't, you look dapper.
Ted: John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell 'em Grandma died.

Ted: Lori, hey, you're home early.
Lori: This place is a wreck! Who are these girls?
Ted: Y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine.
Lori: What the hell is this?
Ted: Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Charene, and Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls. Y'know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night!

Plot hole: Ted calls on John to tell him that he saw Lori leaving her apartment with her boss. How did he find him? He turns up not only at the right hotel but the right room! They have had no contact since their fight after the party and Ted hasn't been asking around after John as he tells him he 'just saw' Lori leaving with her boss. So how did he find John? Is he psychic?

PEDAUNT

Upvote valid corrections to help move entries into the corrections section.

Suggested correction: A week has passed since the breakup and we don't see anything that happened during that time. There's nothing in the film to indicate Ted didn't try to reconcile with John (such as through text) or at least find out where he's staying. The only reason Ted decided to go to the hotel is to tell John about Lori leaving with her boss because he knows that would be a big deal to him. And Ted went to Lori's to try to get her to take John back (probably because of things John said to Ted during the week we didn't see). Once Ted is at Lori's and sees her leaving with her boss, he goes to the hotel to tell John he "just saw her leave" with him.

Bishop73

More mistakes in Ted

Trivia: When John and Lori are on their date remembering when they first met, John's "version" is a parody of the Airplane! dance scene where Ted first meets Elaine.

Bishop73

More trivia for Ted
More movie quotes

Join the mailing list

Separate from membership, this is to get updates about mistakes in recent releases. Addresses are not passed on to any third party, and are used solely for direct communication from this site. You can unsubscribe at any time.

Check out the mistake & trivia books, on Kindle and in paperback.