Grandma Klump: Now that's what I call the Muy Caliente El Negro Special.
Papa Klump: Would you please put your clothes back on? You look like a roast chicken.
Papa Klump: If I want to put a trumpet in my ass and run around this restaurant and blow, then "Hallelujah!Yankee Doodle!" that's my business.
Grandma Klump: The other day I got out the shower and I bend down to reach for a towel, and I felt a sharp pain in my chest. Shot through my chest and up around my shoulder and down my spine. I thought "Oh, Lord." I thought I was dying. I bent over and looked, and I was standing on my own titty.
Mama Klump: You don't need a breast reduction, just be more careful.
Grandma Klump: Both feet, too. Both feet.
Papa Klump: What I do in my bedroom is MY business, you understand that?
Grandma Klump: The only thing you do in your bedroom is pull the lint off your scrotum.
Jason: Professor? You okay?
Sherman Klump: Yeah. I just don't wanna hurt her, Jason.
Jason: Then you won't. Hey, you CAN control Buddy.
Sherman Klump: You know it's funny how you get used to certain things in life. You get used to being overweight. I know I did. You even get used to people making fun of you. Somewhere along the line, I got used to being alone. And I just don't want to be alone anymore.
Dean Richmond: Deals come and go. Wellman will always be Wellman. But you know what bothers me? I walking down the street and this 8-year old boy says, Look Mommy, there's the Hamster's bitch.
Grandma Klump: Does Cletus know I'm strapped?
Papa Klump: Come on, shoot.
Grandma Klump: I'm strapped, ni**a.