Secretary: How do you write women so well?
Melvin Udall: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.
Melvin Udall: I've got a really great compliment for you, and it's true.
Carol Connelly: I'm so afraid you're about to say something awful.
Melvin Udall: Don't be pessimistic, it's not your style. Okay, here I go: Clearly, a mistake. I've got this, what - ailment? My doctor, a shrink that I used to go to all the time, he says that in fifty or sixty percent of the cases, a pill really helps. I *hate* pills, very dangerous thing, pills. Hate. I'm using the word "hate" here, about pills. Hate. My compliment is, that night when you came over and told me that you would never... All right, well, you were there, you know what you said. Well, my compliment to you is, the next morning, I started taking the pills.
Carol Connelly: I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me.
Melvin Udall: You make me want to be a better man.
Carol Connelly: ...That's maybe the best compliment of my life.
Melvin Udall: Well, maybe I overshot a little, because I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.
Melvin: Is he dead yet?
Nora: No. Would there be any way that you would be willing to walk his dog for him?
Nora: You're a wonderful man. Two o'clock would be a good time. And here is the key in case he is asleep. Open his curtains for him, so he can see God's beautiful work, and he'll know that even things like this happen for the best.
Melvin: Where do they teach you to talk like this? In some Panama City sailor wanna hump hump bar? Or is this getaway day in your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else. We're all stocked up here.
Melvin Udall: I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer, "Spence, " and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me.
Melvin: You make me want to be a better man.
Melvin Udall: I'm drowning here, and you're describing the water!
Carol Connelly: When you first entered the restaurant, I thought you were handsome... And then, of course, you spoke.
Carol Connelly: Have you ever let a romantic moment make you do something that you knew was stupid?
Melvin: People that talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch.
Carol Connelly: Why can't I have a normal boyfriend? Just a regular boyfriend, one that doesn't go nuts on me!
Beverly Connelly: Everybody wants that, dear. It doesn't exist.
Melvin: Or, if it's election night, and you're excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudgepacker you date has been elected the first queer president of the United States, and he's going to have you down to Camp David, and you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don't knock. Not on this door. Not for any reason. Do you get me sweetheart?
Melvin: Never, never interrupt me, okay? Not if there is a fire, not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home and one week later there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body and you have to hold a hankie to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you're going to faint. Even then, don't come knocking.
Melvin Udall: You're a disgrace to depression.