[Columbus sprays Tallahassee with perfume.]
Tallahassee: It's ok. But FYI, I beat wholesale ass for a lot less than that.
Columbus: You see? You just can't trust anyone. The first girl I let into my life and she tries to eat me.
Columbus: You know there's a place untouched by all this crap?
Tallahassee: Out east, yeah?
Tallahassee: Out west, we hear it's out east, out east they hear it's out west. It's all bullshit. It's like you're a penguin at the North Pole hears the South Pole is real nice this time of year.
Columbus: There are no penguins in the North Pole.
Tallahassee: You wanna feel how hard I can punch?
Columbus: The first rule of Zombieland: Cardio. When the zombie outbreak first hit, the first to go, for obvious reasons... Were the fatties.
Tallahassee: My mom always said I'd be good at something. Who would have guessed it'd be killing zombies?
Tallahassee: Time to nut up, or shut up!
Tallahassee: You're thinking about fucking Wichita. Wish granted, she spent the last twenty-four hours fucking us both.
Little Rock: No! She's only famous when she's Hannah Montana! She's only famous when she's wearing the wig!
Tallahassee: Where are you, you spongy, yellow, delicious bastards?
Columbus: In those moments where you're not quite sure if the undead are really dead, dead, don't get all stingy with your bullets. I mean, one more clean shot to the head, and this lady could have avoided becoming a human Happy Meal. Woulda... Coulda... Shoulda.
Columbus: When Tallahassee goes hulk on a zombie, he sets the standard for "not to be fucked with."
Columbus: You're like a giant... Cock blocking robot, like developed in a secret fucking government lab.
Columbus: Fuck this clown.
Tallahassee: I haven't cried like that since Titanic!