Pastor John: I used to be like you.
Corey: What, you had a training bra?
Pastor John: Not exactly. When I was your age, I experienced things that made me feel like God didn't exist. Maybe you've experienced something like that too.
Sam: You don't know anything about me.
Pastor John: I can see that you're in pain.
Sam: I'm alive.
Pastor John: Is that how you see life?
Sam: Till farts taste like cherries, yeah.
Corey: What do you think God's farts taste like?
Sam: Marshmallow Peeps.
Pastor John: Well, if you want to be born again, you have to forget the past.
Trudy: I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
Sam: Really? What's he like?
Trudy: He's big and strong... tan... lots of muscles... he's got lightning bolts shooting out of his eyes.
Trudy: Canejo Springs used to be a decent place... then came the drugs and... anus sex.
Sam: Four days, 17 hours, 26 minutes, 31 seconds. That is when the world will end.