Tom: Did you ever do this, you think back on all the times you've had with someone and you just replay it in your head over and over again and you look for those first signs of trouble?
Rachel Hansen: PMS?
Tom: What do you know about PMS?
Rachel Hansen: More than you, Tom.
Vance: Roses are red, violets are blue... Fuck you, whore!
Tom: It's these cards and the movies and the pop songs, they're to blame for all lies and the heartache, everything.
Rachel Hansen: Just some guy she met at the gym with Brad Pitt's face and Jesus' abs.
Tom: Either she's an evil, emotionless, miserable human being, or... She's a robot.
Tom: People buy cards 'cause they can't say how they feel, or they're afraid to. We provide the service that lets them off the hook.
Tom: I love how she makes me feel, like anything's possible, or like life is worth it.
Author's Note: The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Especially you Jenny Beckman. Bitch.
Paul: Robin is better than the girl of my dreams. She's real.
Rachel Hansen: Tom, I know you think she was the one, but I don't. Next time you look back, I think you should look again.
Vance: Misery, sadness, loss of faith, no reason to live... This is perfect for you.
McKenzie: Hey, don't you have like 20 cards to write by Friday?
Tom: Nope, all done.
McKenzie: Really? Well, could you help me with mine? Because I'm running out of ways to say "Congratulations." So far, I've got: "Congrats", "Good job" and "Well done."
Tom: Hmmm. How about..."Every day you make me proud. But today you get a card."
McKenzie: Shit, that's good!
Tom: I know.
Rachel Hansen: Quit being a pussy.
Tom: You don't want to be named as someone's boyfriend, and now your someone's wife?