Alpa Chino: Man I'm tired of this Koala hugging Nig...
Kirk Lazarus: [Punches Alpa.] For 400 years, that word has kept us down.
Alpa Chino: What the... ?
Kirk Lazarus: It took a whole lot of trying, just to get up that hill, now... We're in the big leagues, getting our turn to bat, as long as we live, It's you and me baby, there ain't nothi...
Alpa Chino: Man, that's the theme song to The Jeffersons, man you really need help!
Kirk Lazarus: Hey, just 'cause it's a theme song don't make it not true.
Byong: We no get money yet. Price now 100 million. You pay now, or tomorrow Simple Jack Die!
Les Grossman: Great. Let me get this down. 100 million... Oh, wait! I got a better idea. Instead of a hundred million, how about I send you a hobo's dick cheese? Then, you kill him. Do your thing, skin the fucking bastard. Go to town, man. Go to town! In the mean time and as usual, go fuck yourself.
Kirk Lazarus: I don't read the script. The script reads me.
Les Grossman: First, take a big step back... And literally, FUCK YOUR OWN FACE! I don't know what kind of pan-pacific bullshit power play you're trying to pull here, but Asia Jack is my territory. So whatever you're thinking, you'd better think again! Otherwise I'm gonna have to head down there and I will rain down in a Godly fucking firestorm upon you! You're gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I'm talking about a scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP!
Tugg Speedman: There were times while I was playing Jack where I felt...ret***ed. Like, really ret***ed.
Kirk Lazarus: Moronical?
Tugg Speedman: Yeah!
Kirk Lazarus: An imbicile?
Tugg Speedman: Yeah!
Kirk Lazarus: Like the dumbest motherfucker that ever lived?
Tugg Speedman: ...when I was playing the character.
Kirk Lazarus: Same thing happened to me when I played Neil Armstrong in Moonshot. They found me in an alley in Burbank trying to re-enter the earth's atmosphere in an old refrigerator box.
Rob Slolom: Wow. 8 Oscars, $400 million at the box office, and you saved Tugg Speedman's career.
Les Grossman: I couldn't have done it without you.
Rob Slolom: Really?
Les Grossman: No, dickhead. Of course I could. A nutless monkey could do your job. Now, go get drunk and take credit at all the parties.
Rob Slolom: I wouldn't do that.
Les Grossman: Ah... Joking.
Rob Slolom: Ah, there he is! Funny. You're a funny guy.
Les Grossman: Yeah. But seriously, a nutless monkey could do your job.
Kirk Lazarus: Here's my mothafuckin' farm! I'm a lead farmer, mothafucka!
Kirk Lazarus: Cover me, limp dick fuck-ups!
Kirk Lazarus: You went full ret**d, man. Never go full ret**d.
Kirk Lazarus: Man, I don't drop character 'till I done the DVD commentary.
Kirk Lazarus: I know who I am! I'm the dude playing the dude disguised as another dude!
Cody: Mother Nature just pissed her pantsuit!
Kirk Lazarus: Being an actor's no different than being a rugby player or a construction worker, save for the fact that my tools are the mechanisms that trigger human emotion.
Les Grossman: Cockburn, from now on my fist is going to be so far up your shithole that every time you have a thought, it's gonna have to tiptoe past my wedding ring.