Dewey Cox: Edith, I am starting to think... that maybe you don't believe in me.
Edith: I do believe in you. I just know you're gonna fail.
Nate: Dewey, I'm cut in half pretty bad.
Elvis Presley: It's called Karate, man. Only two kinds of people know it, The Chinese and The King. And one of them is me.
Darlene: Let's go drop acid with The Beatles.
Press Conference Reporter: What do your parents think about your protest songs?
Dewey Cox: What do your parents think about my protest songs? Mr. "Time Magazine."
Dewey Cox: I think I'm doing okay for a 15 year old with a wife and a baby.
Edith: What about my dreams?
Dewey Cox: Edith, I told you, I can't build you a candy house! It will fall apart, the sun will melt the candy, it won't work.
Edith: It's illegal to be married to two people at the same time, Dewey.
Dewey Cox: What about if, if you're famous?
Dewey Cox: Goddamnit, this is a dark fucking period.
Pa Cox: I'm sorry, Dewey. I just never realised until just this moment how easy it is to cut someone in half with a machete.
Dewey Cox: It is, right?
Ma Cox: I'm just so glad you learned to play the guitar so good... even without having a sense of smell.
Dewey Cox: It's okay mama, I learned how to play by ear.
Eddie Vedder: If Elvis and Buddy Holly are the Cain and Abel of rock and roll, Bruce Springsteen is Zachariah, Iggy Pop is Methuselah, and, of course, Neil Young is the wise prophet Ezekiel, then what does that make Dewey Cox?
Sam: You're gonna have to give him a moment, son. Dewey Cox has to think about his entire life before he plays.
Pa Cox: You're not half the boy Nate was. You're not even half the boy that the top half of Nate was after you cut him in half.
Dewey - Age 8: So you're saying I'm less than a quarter of the boy Nate was?
Dewey Cox: And that's when I learned that Quaaludes and waterskiing do not mix.
Country Doctor: This was a particularly bad case of somebody being cut in half.