Indian Bartender: May those who love us, love us. And those who don't love us - may God turn their hearts. And if He cannot turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles, so that we may know them by their limping.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: I don't doubt myself because of you. I feel like the best version of myself when I'm with you, and that makes me doubt everything else.
Anna Riley: So this is a rectory. That sounds like a dirty word. Rectory.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: If I was to tell you that I loved you and I'd give it all away just to be with you, what would you say?
Woman in Bar: Good night, Paulie.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Yep. That's about par for the evening.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: The seven deadly sins. Who can name the seven deadly sins? People! It was a very popular film with Brad Pitt, you have the ultimate cliff note.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Let me just say... Oy.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Amen to your oy.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: You're a Sikh, Catholic Muslim with Jewish in-laws?
Indian Bartender: Yes. Yes. It gets very complicated. I'm reading Dianetics.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Don't blame you.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Whoa! Listen to what you're saying. You're telling me that I was supposed to be sensitive to the possibility that a Catholic priest might have a crush on my secret girlfriend?
Anna Riley: I haven't screamed that hard since the US hockey team beat the Russians.
Father Havel: Who is calling at this hour? It's barbaric. I was dreaming about my mother's sausages.
Anna Riley: I work harder than God. If He had hired me, He would have made the world by Thursday.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Jews want their rabbis to be the kind of Jews they don't have the time to be.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Yeah, and Catholics want their priests to be the kind of Catholics they don't have the discipline to be.
Jacob: God was showing off when he made you.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Whoah! Are you seriously telling me that unless you find a nice Jewish girl and settle down in the next six months they're not going to give you this job?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: I'm seriously telling you there has not been a bachelor head rabbi of B'Nei Ezra since the beginning of the synagogue.
Anna Riley: You don't understand. I have a relationship with my phone, we have a chemistry together, I can't explain it.
Indian Bartender: Um, let me get this straight. I am talking to a pries who went on a bender because his best friend, a rabbi, stole his girl.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Right.
Indian Bartender: Thank you. I want to thank you for telling me this story.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Why?
Indian Bartender: Because now I can retire.
Anna Riley: I read your sarin gas report. It was very powerful.
Rachel Rose: Thanks, I really earned my stripes with that piece.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: I earned my stripes by getting through a bris without fainting.