Joe Danby: I'm gonna get you for this, Jake.
Jason McCullough: Well, you are the toughest talkin' blowhard I ever heard.
Henry Jackson: We are gathered here today to consign the mortal remains of Millard Frymore... or whatever his name really was. I ain't really got a whole lot to say about Millard because he only rode amongst us two days ago, and was promptly struck down by whatever deadly disease it was struck him down. We can only hope that whatever deadly disease it was, it wasn't particularly contagious. And with that in mind, I suggest we all bow our heads in devout prayer.
Pa Danby: If that gun had gone off, it'd of blowed right up in my face.
Jason McCullough: Now it wouldn't have done my finger a hell of a lot of good either, would it? What can I do for you, Mr. Danby?
Joe Danby: Pa, you always told me there wasn't a jail been built that could hold a Danby.
Pa Danby: Well, now they've built one.
Joe Danby: Aww.
Pa Danby: You'll have to stay here for a couple of days.
Joe Danby: But we run this town.
Pa Danby: I gotta throw in with that sheriff that you don't exactly dazzle nobody with your intelligence.
Jake: Well, I did odd jobs... for one thing, I was a Orr holder at Madame Horse's, uh, horse holder at Madame Orr's House.
Jason McCullough: How's Joe?
Jake: Oh, he figures he's going to be out of here and we're going to be dead about this time tomorrow.
Jason McCullough: Did he seem to feel any sorrow over the fact that we might all be killed?
Jake: No, it's more like he planned to dance and spit all over our graves.
Jason McCullough: Sounds like Joe.
Mayor Olly Perkins: You ain't wanted for anything anywhere are you Mr. McCullough. Not that it matters, because we understand how them little things can happen.
Mayor Ollie Perkins: I guess you know what you're doing, Sheriff.
Jason McCullough: I don't know what I could have said to give you that idea, Mayor.
Bartender: Remember what the sheriff said: no more shootin' till the sun goes down.
Townsman: Is that what he said?
Bartender: That's close enough, brother. Drinks are on the house.
Jason McCullough: After we're married - no matter how many kids we got - when I say we're off to Australia... we pack up, kids and all, and off we go.
Prudy: What do I wanna go to Australia for?
Jason McCullough: Because that's where your husband would be. And girls usually go where their husbands are.
Mayor Ollie Perkins: She's a rich little old gal in her own name, Sheriff. Sole owner of the Millard Frymore Memorial Mining Company.
Jason McCullough: You meanin' whoever marries her gets the mine.
Mayor Ollie Perkins: Shaft and all.
Jason McCullough: Well that won't hurt her in certain circles, will it?
Pa Danby: Now I'm gonna take a little trip tomorrow and I want you two to behave yourselves while I'm gone. I don't want nobody to make no martyr out of this here sheriff.
Tom Danby: What's a martyr?
Pa Danby: Oh, I'm sorry. They didn't use words like that in the third grade, did they?
Tom Danby: Well, how would I know? I didn't get that far.
Jake: You want me to tell Joe Danby that he's under arrest for murder? What're you gonna do after he kills me?
Jason McCullough: Then I'll arrest him for both murders.
Henry Jackson: I'd like to remind everyone we're here to consign the remains of Millard Frymore.
Fred Johnson: It's gold, Henry.
Henry Jackson: Gold?
Fred Johnson: Down there in the grave.
Henry Jackson: Well, let's get this coffin out of the way and have a look.
Jason McCullough: You beat that poor man to the draw. He's dead and you're alive. That's the idea of this game, isn't it?
Mayor: Our last sheriff was a good organizer. Yellow clear through, but a good organizer.
Mayor Olly Perkins: You interested in the job of sheriff?
Jason McCullough: Oh, maybe. How much does it pay?
Townsman: Well, none of our sheriffs ever lived long enough to find out.
Henry Jackson: Now just because we've lost three sheriffs don't mean we're going to lose four.
Fred Johnson: Our luck is bound to change.
Mayor Olly Perkins: What about his luck?