Jack: Yo! Yo! Here's my boy! Here's my boy! But who's your daddy? Now who is your daddy?
Miles Raymond: Put me down, Jack.
Jack: I'm so proud of you! Let me love you! So tell me everything. Details. I like details.
Miles Raymond: No.
Miles Raymond: It's private.
Jack: You're kidding, right? Tell me what happened, you fucker, or I'll tie your dick in a knot.
Miles Raymond: Let's leave it alone.
Jack: You didn't get any, did you? You're a homo.
Cammi: And here are your handy wipes.
Jack: Oh, so that's what these are. For a minute there I thought you guys were promoting safe sex.
Jack: You gotta help me! You gotta help me.
Jack: I'm trying to get you a little action, I'd appreciate a little help.
Stephanie: Fuck face! You too.
Miles Raymond: Me?
Miles Raymond: A little citrus. Maybe some strawberry. Mmm. Passion fruit, mmm, and, oh, there's just like the faintest soupçon of like, uh, asparagus, and, there's a, just a flutter of, like a, like a nutty Edam cheese.
Jack: Speak for yourself. I get chicks lookin' at me all the time. All ages. Dudes too.
Miles Raymond: Well, it's not worth it. You pay too big a price. It's never free.
Jack: You need to get laid, Miles. You know what? That's going to be my best man gift to you this week. I'm gonna get you laid.
Miles Raymond: Wonderful.
Jack: I'm not gonna get you a gift certificate or a pen knife or any of that other horse shit.
Miles Raymond: I'd rather have a knife.
Jack: Listen, honey. Let me call you right back. Miles and I are in the middle of something. No, it's nothing serious, Miles is just having one of his freak-outs. Yeah. Love you too.
Miles Raymond: Now the cards are on the table.
Jack: Yes, they are.
Jack: Consult your doctor before using this product. Side effects may include oily discharge, hives, loss of appetite, low blood pressure. If you have diabetes or a history of kidney trouble, you're dead, asshole.
Jack: If they want to drink Merlot, we're drinking Merlot.
Miles Raymond: No, if anyone orders Merlot, I'm leaving. I am not drinking any fucking Merlot.
Stephanie: You're getting married on Saturday?
Jack: Bet ya that chick's two tons of fun. You know, the grateful type?
Jack: Are you still seeing that shrink?
Miles Raymond: I saw him on Monday. I spent most of the time helping him with his computer.
Jack: Well, I say, fuck therapy. And what is that stuff you take... Xanax?
Miles Raymond: And Lexapro, yes.
Jack: Well, I say, fuck that too. You need to get your joint worked on, Miles.
Miles Raymond: Hey, what should I wear?
Jack: I don't know, something casual but nice. They think you're a writer.
Maya: So, what gems do you have in your collection?
Miles Raymond: Oh, its not much of a collection. I mean, its more like a small gathering in a cabinet. I-I've never really had the wallet for that. I just have to live bottle to bottle.
Jack: Try to be your normal, humorous self. The guy you were before the tailspin. Do you remember that guy? People love that guy.
Miles Raymond: Yeah, right. Yup, I'm a homo. Yeah. Yeah. Just make up whatever you want and that's what happened. Okay? Write out my gay confession and I'll sign it. Okay? Just stop pushing me all the time. You're an infant, Jack. This is all a big party for you... but not for me.