Lawyer: So Mr. Montgomery, are you claiming there was no bumblebee present at the time of the incident?
Earl Montgomery: No, I'm not. There was a bumblebee present, man.
Lawyer: Oh, good.
Earl Montgomery: And there were birds chirpin'. There were dogs barkin'. Hell, for all I know, there was a chipmunk in the bushes, humping a turtle! You know you gotta be careful with them chipmunks. They'll hump anything!
Instructor: Impressive shooting, Montgomery. You realize though, that you missed the target in the middle?
Earl Montgomery: Who, the brother? Oh I wasn't shooting at him.
Instructor: Mind telling me why not?
Earl Montgomery: He don't look suspicious, to me. Look at'em. One lone brother, surrounded by four white guys with guns? The man is terrified. What you want him to do, tap dance? Don't worry brother, I got you. Don't be afraid to dial 911. I keeps it clean, when Earl Montgomery's on the scene. What the problem is?
Lola: Are you gona strip search me?
Earl Montgomery: No... I'm gona put on some music. You gonna strip search yourself.
Detective Frank McDuff: Sorry about Charlie, Hank. He was a good man.
Henry Rafferty: I want in on the investigation.
Lieutenant Washington: Hank I think it's best if we let McDuff handle this in his own way. It's a complicated situation.
Henry Rafferty: Wh-What's so complicated about it? My partner's dead and I just want the son of a bitch that pulled the trigger.
Earl Montgomery: Listen, man. Now I've been waiting my whole life for shit like this to go down. So if you're gona shoot me, shoot me. Cause that's the only way I'm getting out of this car.
Nash: Somebody shoot that monkey!
Earl Montgomery: What did you call me!?
Lieutenant Washington: Now, let me see if I got this figured out. You get out of prison, pissed with your life... You decide to pay your old buddy Earl a visit. Things get out of hand... Shots are fired, police respond just in time to catch Hank trying to get away with you in his car, probably holding you at gunpoint. Am I correct?
Earl Montgomery: Amazing. You are very, very good.
Nash: We wondered where security was. Drop the weapon. You should have run when you had the chance. Now you got no chance.
Lola: The lights went out, and I couldn't find the switch. So I was filing in the dark. That's why I called you here.
Earl Montgomery: Lola... Filing in the dark is a serious offence. You're in a lot of trouble.
Hank Rafferty: Need some help?
Earl Montgomery: You asking me if I need some help, or if... If I'm stealing this car?
Hank Rafferty: Okay, fine. Are you stealing this car?
Earl Montgomery: Does it look like I'm stealing this damn car?
Hank Rafferty: Little bit.
Earl Montgomery: Why? Because I'm black? White man has his hand in the car, you probably give him a Good Samaritan award, huh? Figure he's just going around turning off people's lights.
Earl Montgomery: Ah I see how this works. The system can't tolerate a black man with superior police skills, huh? It's the future of law enforcement, and it scares you... Because you'll be out of work! Right? Look, I remember when the NBA was all white. That's all right, that's all right. I'm fine, I'm cool. Because y'all losing somebody good, though! I'm a virtual, one man, Kung-Fu S.W.A.T. Team! Dah! Yawh! That's all right. I got skills!. YOU BITCHES!
Dispatch: Must've been a power glitch.
Charlie Reed: Want to take a peek anyway?
Hank Rafferty: Why is it that on these nice quiet nights you get so restless? I mean this is a great opportunity for us to connect, you know? We can open up with one another and really talk. You need a hug?
Charlie Reed: Shut up.