Ed Earl: Boys, I got myself a pretty good bullshit detector, and I can tell when somebody's peeing on my boots and telling me it's a rainstorm.
Melvin P. Thorpe: The power of television, of public exposure - it scares me. I swear, I could get the mayor's own children to throw rocks at him.
Miss Mona: Ed Earl, I think the best thing to do is to put this behind us, just as quick as we can. I've made a little money, I've laughed some, I've danced to the music... it's just time to pay the fiddler, that's all.
Miss Mona: Don't feel sorry for me. I started out poor, and I worked my way up to outcast.
Miss Mona: Now that's what the little silver snaps are for.
Miss Mona: Well, one of those nights when you ain't on duty, you drop in out there. My girls'll love to show you a little appreciation.
Deputy Fred: Shoot, Miss Mona - you know I'm a married man.
Miss Mona: Oh, Fred, you mean to tell me you don't think the cows don't appreciate the time off when a bull goes over to another pasture?
Ed Earl: They want me to close her down, run her out of town. How can I ask her to leave when all I want her to do is stay?
Deputy Fred: So, for awhile, as the story goes, the girls begin accepting poultry in trade: one bird, one lay. And that's how the place got its name: The Chicken Ranch.
Miss Mona: I couldn't be a ballerina now. I'm too top-heavy. I have a hard enough time balancin' these things now without gettin' on my toes.
Miss Mona: Well fine! Then I'm getting dressed and going home.
Ed Earl: Well fine! I'm going into the bathroom and... put this on.
Female Reporter: Governor, what do you think of the, the crisis in the Middle East?
The Governor: I was sayin' just this morning at the weekly prayer breakfast, in this historic capital, that it behooves both the Jews and the Arabs to settle their differences in a Christian manner.
Miss Mona: You know what burns my ass?
Ed Earl: What?
Miss Mona: A flame about three feet high.
Jewel: Honey, we see everything in this profession, but one thing I ain't never seen - man or woman - is a grown-up.
Ed Earl: I'm gonna knock you so flat, you'll have to roll down your socks to shit.
Deputy Fred: Everybody liked Ed Earl - especially Ed Earl.