Jack Slater: Why am I wasting time with a dime-store putz like you when I could be doing something much more dangerous, like re-arranging my sock drawers?
Danny Madigan: Say this.
Jack Slater: Hey, grow up.
Danny Madigan: Just say this one word.
Jack Slater: Is this another one of your movie proofs?
Danny Madigan: Maybe.
Jack Slater: Kid... I don't want to say it.
Danny Madigan: Say what? You can't. You can't possibly say it because this movie is PG-13. Admit it.
Nick: There are lots of things worse than movies: politicians, wars, forest fires, famine, plague, sickness, pain, warts, politicians.
Jack Slater: You already mentioned them.
Nick: I know I did. They are twice as bad as anything else.
Jack Slater: Here's another explosion for your movie, kid.
Tammy, Hell's Kitchen Hooker: Sweetheart, wanna have a party?
Benedict: How old are you?
Tammy, Hell's Kitchen Hooker: Forget it.
James Belushi: I'm not really a big fan of Arnold's... She is, you know... Arnold really turns her on and I just want to be there when it happens.
Danny Madigan: What if staying in the car is what gets me killed?
Jack Slater: There's a gun in the glove compartment.
Death: I don't do fiction. Not my field.
Tony Vivaldi: Where is it written that I am a bad guy?
Jack Slater: Look! Elephant.
Jack Slater: I think the taxis are bulletproof.
Whitney Slater: Freeze! Lose the guns or I redecorate in brain-matter grey, got it?
Tony Vivaldi: Well, I'd love to stay and watch the fun, but, uh, I have to go and establish my alibi. Arrivederci.