Jim: Well, it got so that every piss-ant prairie punk who thought he could shoot a gun would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. It got pretty gritty. I started to hear the word "draw" in my sleep. Then one day, I was just walking down the street when I heard a voice behind me say, "Reach for it, mister!" I spun around... And there I was, face-to-face with a six-year old kid. Well, I just threw my guns down and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass. So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle, and I've been there ever since.
Bart: Well, can't you see that's the last act of a desperate man?
Howard Johnson: We don't care if it's the first act of "Henry V, " we're leaving!
Howard Johnson: [reading paper] As chairman of the welcoming committee, it is my privilege to extend a laurel and hardy handshake to our new [looks up and sees Bart] ni**er.
Hedley Lamarr: Unfortunately there is one thing standing between me and that property: the rightful owners.
Mongo: Mongo only pawn... In game of life.
Reverend Johnson: Order, order. Goddamnit, I said "order."
Howard Johnson: Y'know, Nietzsche says: "Out of chaos comes order."
Olson Johnson: Oh, blow it out your ass, Howard.
[Gabby looks through the telescope and sees Bart.]
Gabby: Hey! The sheriff is a n... [church bells cut him off.].
Townsman: What did he say?
Olson Johnson: "The sheriff is near."
Gabby: No! Goflabindengflibit. The sheriff is a n... [church bells cut him off again.].
Hedley Lamarr: Go do that voodoo that you do, so well.
Mexican Bandit: Badges? We don't need no stinking badges.
Lili Von Shtupp: Is that a ten-gallon hat, or are you just enjoying the show?
Hedley Lamarr: Gentlemen, please rest your sphincters.
Jim: You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... Morons.
Reverend Johnson: Now I don't have to tell you good folks what's been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act, and act fast. I'm leaving.