Felix Ungar: I put order in this house. For the first time in months, you're saving money. You're sleeping on clean sheets. You're eating hot meals for a change and I did it.
Oscar Madison: Yes, that's right. And then at night after we've had your halibut steak and your tartar sauce, I have to spend the rest of the evening watching you Saran Wrap the leftovers.
Gwendolyn Pigeon: I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name.
Felix Ungar: Felix.
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Oh, right, Felix.
Cecily Pigeon: Like the cat.
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Oh, well, the Pigeon sisters had better beware of the cat.
Oscar Madison: Don't come to me with your petty problems. You get this one stinkin' night a week. I'm cooped up here with Mary Poppins 24 hours a day.
Oscar Madison: Felix, I'd like you to meet two elevator acquaintances of mine. Gwendolyn and Cecily.
Cecily Pigeon: No, Cecily and Gwendolyn.
Oscar Madison: Oh, Terribly sorry, Cecily and Gwendolyn. Eh, don't tell me. Eh, Robin? No, Cardinal?
Gwendolyn Pigeon: No, Wrong both times, It's Pigeon.
Oscar Madison: Cecily and Gwendolyn Pigeon, The Pigeon sisters.
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Or as our friends at Chelsea use to call us, the Cuckoo Pigeon sisters.
Oscar Madison: I know him. He'll kill himself just to spite me. Then his ghost will come back, following me around the apartment, haunting and cleaning, haunting and cleaning, haunting and cleaning.
Oscar Madison: Don't threaten me with jail, Blanche, because it's not a threat. With my expenses and my alimony, a prisoner takes home more pay than I do.
Oscar Madison: I can't take it anymore, Felix, I'm cracking up. Everything you do irritates me. And when you're not here, the things I know you're gonna do when you come in irritate me. You leave me little notes on my pillow. Told you 158 times I can't stand little notes on my pillow. "We're all out of cornflakes. F.U." Took me three hours to figure out F.U. was Felix Ungar.
Oscar Madison: You did a great job, Felix. One little suggestion: let's come down a little bit with the lights, and up very softly with the music, huh? Hey, do you think Mozart goes good with meatloaf?
Murray: Hey, did you know Felix was once locked in a john overnight? He wrote out his entire will on half a roll of toilet paper. What a nut.