Police Chief Hubbard: What's this man doing here?
Axel Foley: Bleeding, sir.
Jeffery: Todd's looking for you. He is really pissed. You know what he said? This is your worst fuck up ever. Personally, I don't think that's true.
Detective Rosewood: Wow. You know, it says here that by the time the average American is fifty, he's got five pounds of undigested red meat in his bowels.
Sergeant Taggart: Why are you telling me this? What makes you think I have any interest in that at all?
Detective Rosewood: Well, you eat a lot of red meat.
[Axel gets thrown out of the window and the police cruiser pulls up.]
Axel: You see that shit? I can describe all of them!
Warehouse worker: You got some kind of warrant for this?
Axel: You know, you have a very big mouth, sir! Are you hiding something from me? Is that what you're doing? I bet that's your Porsche that's parked outside, isn't it? Is that your Porsche? Is it? How would you like for me to have the IRS come down and crawl up your fucking ass with a microscope? Cause, they'll do it! I've seen them do it! It's not a pretty sight!
[Axel throws Zack over buffet table, but Maitland motions for him to do nothing].
Axel Foley: That's very good, Victor. Can you teach him to roll over and sit and do all that shit too?
Police Chief Hubbard: You expect me to believe that report?
Lieutenant Bogomil: That's the report I'm filing, sir.
Victor Maitland: Now listen to me, my tough little friend. I don't know from under what stone you crawled, or where you get these ridiculous ideas about me, but it seems painfully obvious you haven't the slightest fucking idea who you're dealing with. Now, my advice to you is crawl back to your little stone in Detroit before you get squashed.
Axel Foley: I never been in no cell that had a phone in it. Can I stay for a while, 'cause I ordered some pizza.
Detective Rosewood: You know what I keep thinking about? You know the end of Butch Cassidy? Redford and Newman are almost out of ammunition, and the whole Bolivian army is out - out in front of this little hut?
Sergeant Taggart: Billy, I'm gonna make you pay for this.
Detective Rosewood: All he asked me to do was drive you out of town. Now I'm gonna screw that up, too.
Axel Foley: Disturbing the peace? I got thrown out of a window! What's the fuckin' charge for getting pushed out of a moving car, huh? Jaywalking?
Axel Foley: Billy, you know, you don't have to be embarrassed if your dick gets hard. Your dick is supposed to get hard. See? That's the whole object of this. Taggart's dick is hard, but he won't let you know 'cause he's the boss. Boss' dick got to stay limp, right? See, I ain't on duty so my dick can be hard.