Computer: This ship will self-destruct in exactly ten seconds. Counting down. Ten, nine, eight, six.
President Skroob: Six? What happened to seven?
Computer: Just kidding.
[The self destruction cancellation button is out of order.]
Dark Helmet: F**k! Even in the future nothing works!
Dark Helmet: Careful, you idiot. I said across her nose, not up it!
[The gunman turns around and is cross-eyed.]
Gunman: Sorry, sir. I'm doing my best.
Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Cross-eyed gunman 2: I did, sir. He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Col. Sanders: He's an asshole, sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that, what's his name?
Col. Sanders: That is his name, sir. "Asshole." Major Asshole.
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Col. Sanders: He's an asshole too, sir. Gunners mate, Second-class Philip Asshole.
Dark Helmet: How many assholes we got on this ship, anyhow?
Everyone on the ship: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it, I'm surrounded by assholes.
Lord Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Colonel Sandurz: Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now.
Lord Helmet: What happened to then?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
Lord Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now, now.
Lord Helmet: Go back to then.
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Lord Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: Now?
Lord Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: We can't
Lord Helmet: Why?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Lord Helmet: When.
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Lord Helmet: When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
Commanderette Zircon: Shall I have Snotty beam you down, sir?
President Skroob: I don't know about that beaming stuff. Is it safe?
Commanderette Zircon: Oh yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.
President Skroob: Alright, I'll give it a shot. What the hell, it works on Star Trek.
Dark Helmet: Shit! I hate getting my Schwartz twisted!
Dark Helmet: You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now let's see how well you handle it.
Lone Starr: We're not just doing this for money. We're doing it for a shitload of money!
Captain of the Guard: You idiots! These are not them! You've captured their stunt doubles!
Princess Vespa: Hey! I don't have to put up with this! I'm rich!
Lone Starr: Helmet! So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time.
Druidian Priest: Excuse me, I'm trying to conduct a wedding here, which has nothing to do with love. Please be quiet.
Dark Helmet: Druish princess are often attracted to money and power, and I have both, and you know it.
Dark Helmet: So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.
President Skroob: Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?
Lone Starr: What the hell was that noise?
Dot Matrix: That was my virgin-alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do!