Celeste Talbert: Oh, I'll tell you why I'm here! I'm here because... I... I.
Jeffrey Anderson: Come on, say it!"I want you, Jeffery. I'm consumed with jealousy for my neice, because I want you."
Celeste Talbert: Oh, please.
Jeffrey Anderson: Admit it, you have feelings for me.
Celeste Talbert: My feelings are about you, not FOR you. There's a big difference.
Edwards: I would like to voice my strong concern about this show's spiraling decline in ratings. David, ever since you took us to the Caribbean, it's been Jamaica homeless people sucking soup, and a big wave outside that cost a hundred thousand dollars. That's depressing and it's expensive, two words I hate. You know the words I like? I like the word "peppy" and the word "cheap." Peppy and cheap.
Celeste Talbert: Yes. Yes. Yes. I AM guilty. Guilty of love in the first degree.
Nurse Nan: Sudden speech, the last sign of brain fever. She could blow at any moment.
Jeffrey Anderson: Of course I'm an egomaniac! I have America's Sweetheart climbing up my drainpipe.
Celeste Talbert: I didn't know it was your drainpipe, I thought it was somebody else's drainpipe.
Jeffrey Anderson: Your eyes, they're burning.
Celeste Talbert: I've got the flu.
Jeffrey Anderson: No, they're burning with passion.
Celeste Talbert: You're full of shit.
Jeffrey Anderson: Of course I'm full of shit but not about that.
Rose Schwartz: The guy was killed in an auto accident! I looked it up! He was driving in the Yukon, in a pink convertible, to visit his brother who's an ex-con named Frances, when a tractor trailer comes along and decapitates him. You know what that mean, it means he doesn't have a head. How am I suppose to write for a guy who doesn't have a head? He's got no lips, no vocal cords. What do you want me to do?
Lori Craven: Hi. Uh, I'm Lori Craven and... I'm an actress.
Betsy Faye Sharon: An actress! Really! How nice for you! I'm Betsy Faye Sharon and I'm a bitch. Now get out of here.
Jeffrey Anderson: One more date we would've had a Greek tragedy on our hands.
Montana Moorehead: Get rid of Celeste and Mr Fuzzy is yours.
Rose Schwartz: You know, I'd think you were acting, but you've never been this good.
Edwards: There's a nurse in the restaurant. Did I miss a meeting?
Celeste Talbert: What I feel like is Gloria effing Swanson. I'm 42 yrs old, I don't want to be dressed like a dead woman."
Celeste Talbert: I never said I was the best mother in the world. Give me a little credit, will you, credit for being someone who tried... to love you the only way she knew how?
Lori Craven: I know that speech.
Celeste Talbert: You do?
Lori Craven: Yeah, it was the, uh, the Thanksgiving show, when Maggie meets Bolt's blind nephew.