Charlie Mackenzie: Harriet. Harry-ette. Hard-hearted harbinger of haggis. Beautiful, bemuse-ed, bellicose butcher. Un-trust... ing. Un-know... ing. Un-love... ed?"He wants you back," he screamed into the night air like a fireman going to a window that has no fire... except the passion of his heart. I am lonely. It's really hard. This poem... sucks.
Charlie Mackenzie: No, not really. Usually I follow the Judao-Christian ethic of "Thou shalt not kill." But, that's just me.
Charlie Mackenzie: Woman! Woah-man! Wooaahhhhh-man! We had love, not just sex. Is she Mrs. X? I had to run for my life... Jane, get me off this crazy thing called love.
Maureen O'Boyle: But first up tonight, the justice department reports an alarming rise in the number of poisoning murders across the United States. And that eighty seven per cent of the poison murders occur within the family.
Tony Giardino: What's the news?
Police Chief: Oh, you wanna hear the news? Well, here's the news! It seems that the old lady that confessed to the murder of Ralph Elliot has also confessed to a couple of other murders.
Tony Giardino: I knew she would! I knew it.
Police Chief: Yeah! Right! Well, she's confessed to the murders of Abraham Lincoln, Warren G. Harding and Julius Caesar. She's a nutcase! A nutcase.
John Johnson: Now this is something the other tour guides won't tell you. In this particular cell-block, Machine Gun Kelly had what we call in the prison system, a "bitch." And one night in a jealous rage Kelly took a make-shift knife or "shiv", and cut out the bitch's eyes. And as if this wasn't enough retribution for Kelly, the next day he and four other inmates took turns pissing into the bitch's ocular cavities. (short pause) This way to the cafeteria.
Stuart Mackenzie: Alright, give your mother a kiss, or I'll kick your teeth in.
Stuart Mackenzie: Alright, we have a piper who's down. It's all right, he's just pissed. We have a piper down, I repeat, a piper is down.
Tony Giardino: Larry Leonard, crooner, made a name for himself being able to sing in six different languages the song, "Only You.
Charlie Mackenzie: Yes, see?
Tony Giardino: Charlie, does Harriett even know the words to Only You?
Charlie Mackenzie: Well, I don't know Tony, we haven't reached that all too critical do you know the words to "Only You" phase in our relationship, so I'm afraid I'm not much help.
Tony Giardino: Charlie, two words: therapy.
Charlie Mackenzie: Come, let us dance like children of the night.
Charlie Mackenzie: I like the night life. I like to boogie.
John Johnson: My name is John Johnson but everyone here calls me Vicki.
Stuart Mackenzie: Thirty years ago today, May and I were married. Some of you were there, some of you weren't born, and some of you are now deed! But, we both said "I do," and we haven't agreed on a single thing since.
May Mackenzie: That's true.
Stuart Mackenzie: But I'm glad I married you, May, because hey, could've been worse.