[Wade is using a bleach pen on his clothes to remove the blood]
Blind Al: Seltzer water and lemon for blood. Or wear red. Dumbass.
Wade Wilson: I had another Liam Neeson nightmare. I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn't having it. They made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent.
Colossus: You will come talk with professor Xavier.
Deadpool: McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines can get so confusing.
Deadpool: From the studio that inexplicably sewed his fucking mouth shut the first time comes five-time Academy Award viewer, Ryan Reynolds in an eHarmony date with destiny. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Me! Deadpool.
Wade Wilson: Do you like what you see?
Weasel: No. You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.
Wade Wilson: Yeah.
Weasel: Not gently. Like it was hate-fucking. There was something wrong with the relationship and that was the only catharsis that they could find without violence.
Wade Wilson: And the only guy the who fix this fugly mug is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory. And he's gone. Poof!
Weasel: Yeah, well you gotta do something to remedy this because as of now, you only have one course of action.
Wade Wilson: Damn straight. Find Francis.
Weasel: Star in horror films.
Wade Wilson: What?
Weasel: Star in your own horror films. Because you look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah.
Deadpool: It's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse. I'm gonna wait out here, okay? It's a big house. It's funny that I only ever see two of you. It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man.
Deadpool: It reeks like old lady pants in here.
Blind Al: Sounds like you have a dick in your mouth.
Deadpool: Time to make the chimi-fucking-changas.
Recruiter: What if I told you we can make you better? You're a fighter. We can give you abilities most men only dream of. Make you a superhero.
Wade Wilson: Just promise me you'll do right by me, so I can do right by someone else. And don't make the suit green. Or animated.
Wade Wilson: Here's what I'm actually gonna do? I'm gonna work through his crew until somebody gives up Francis, force him to fix this, and then put a bullet in his skull and fuck the brain hole.
Weasel: I don't want to see that or think of it again. But the douchebag does think you're dead, right?
Wade Wilson: Yeah.
Weasel: That's good. You should keep it that way.
Wade Wilson: What, like, wear a mask?
Weasel: Yes. A very thick mask. All the time. I am sorry... You are haunting. Your face is the stuff of nightmares.
Wade Wilson: Like a testicle with teeth.
Weasel: You will die alone. I mean, if you could die. Ideally, for others' sake.
Blind Al: Why such a douche this morning?
Wade Wilson: Let's recap: the cock-thistle that turned me into this freak slipped through my arms today... Arm... Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back and prevent this shit from happening to someone else, so yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo.
Recruiter: Mr. Wilson.
Wade Wilson: How can I help you? Besides luring children into a panel van.
Deadpool: You're still here? It's over. Go home. Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. What are you expecting? Sam Jackson to show up? With an eye patch and saucy little leather number? Go. Go. Oh! But I can tell you one thing, and it's a bit of a secret. For the sequel, we're going to have Cable. Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. We have no idea who we're going to cast yet, but it could be anybody. Just need a big guy with a flat top. Mel Gibson. Dolph Lundgren. Keira Knightley. She's got range, who knows. Anyways, big secret. Shhh. Oh, and don't leave your garbage all lying around. It's a total dick move. Go.
Deadpool: [Farts as he walks past Blind Al.] Hashtag drive-by.
Deadpool: I'm touching myself tonight.