Randy: There are certain rules one must abide in order to sucuessfully survive a horror movie, rule number one, you can never have sex.
Randy: Big no-no! Big no-no!
Stu: I'd be a dead man.
Randy: Rule number two, you can never drink or do drugs. [Everyone clacks their beers together.] It's the sin factor. An extension of number one. And number three, never, ever, under any circumstances say "I'll be right back." Because you won't be back.
Stu: Hey, I'm gettin' another beer, you want one?
Randy: Yeah, sure.
Stu: [Dramatically.] I'll be right back!
Randy: Yeah, you bent the rules. I'll see you in the kitchen with a knife.
Stan Podalak: Let me help! Let me help! I can help! I can help!
Michael Jordan: What can you do?
Stan Podalak: Well, I may not be very tall, but... I'm slow.
Sylvester: And large.
Daffy Duck: And a dork.
Vanessa: Ho-ly shit! Well look who got beaten with the ugly stick. Bob, is that you? My God, I can't believe such an itty bitty gun could make such a big mess out of someone! You are so ugly Bob! Oh and hey I heard you have one of those poop bags where the shit comes out the side, you're just a big old shitbag aren't you Bob! I hope you think of me every time you shit in that thing, motherfucker!
Pascal: Jesus, Buckman! This stuff has been on the Stingray since Korea! This can expired in 1966!
Buckman: What's the matter, sir? It still tastes like cream corn.
Pascal: Except it's deviled ham.
Archie Moses: This is a '70s porno. You know how I can tell? Because the guy's dick has sideburns.
Trent: I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's *really* hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from. Okay? You're a bad man.
Romeo: Why then, O brawling love, O loving hate, O anything, of nothing first create! O heavy lightness, serious vanity, Misshapen chaos of well-seeming forms, Feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire, sick health, Still-waking sleep, that is not what it is!
Carlos: What? Were they psychos, or...?
Seth Gecko: They look like psychos? Is that what they looked like? They were vampires. Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits 'em. I don't give a fuck how crazy they are!