
[The Smiths have just heard a news report on TV about a crime on their street.]
Stan: Right in our own neighborhood. Well it's clear the time has come for me to show you where we hide our guns.
[Pulls a gun out from under the table.]
Stan: Glock. Seventeen shots. [Takes pen from a pen holder.] Pen gun. Mightier than the sword. [Pulls sword out of knife holder.] Sword gun. Mightier than the pen gun. [Opens pantry door.] AR-15. MK-5. Mac-10. Paprika.
Francine: That's weird. I use that pantry a lot.
Stan: And the paprika not enough.
Hayley: I can't believe this house is teeming with guns. Guns kill.
Stan: Oh. Guns kill. Is that right? [Takes gun out of jacket and puts it on the table.] Well, let's see about that. Okay, gun. Kill. Go ahead. Kill someone. Don't be shy. See? Guns don't kill people. People kill people. Guns defend people against people with smaller guns.
Hayley: You're such a fascist.
Stan: Peace pusher.
Hayley: Murderer.
Stan: Hermaphrodite.
Francine: Stan!
Stan: I'm swinging wild, Francine.

Harry Stone: Who's first, Mac?
Mac: People versus Shibata.
Harry Stone: To what do we owe the pleasure of Mr. Shibata's company?
Dan Fielding: Well, sir, it seems Mr. Shibata was caught rolling for dollars with, um, these three rarely upstanding women.
Harry Stone: All three? That's illegal. And quite impressive.
Dan Fielding: When he was apprehended he had a fifty gallon drum of soy sauce and they were in the middle of something called a "Sukiyaki Slam-bam."
Christine Sullivan: Uh, sir, uh, while neighbors in adjoining rooms did complain for over seven hours I believe that Mr. S...
Mac/Harry/Dan: Seven hours?!
[Mr. Shibata bows to Dan, Harry, and Mac and they bow back]
Dan Fielding: My god, man, how do you do it?
Mr. Shibata: Every day, I swim ten miles, eat one hundred oysters and sit in a barrel of pickle brine.
Dan Fielding: [to stenographer] You got that?
[Stenographer nods].

The Mystery of Skull Island - S6-E14
Al Bundy: "I Care", by Al Bundy. When hooters jiggle around and I find nickels on the ground, I care. When a Mustang engine purrs and the bathroom is not hers, I care. When the pitchers on the mound and the wife is underground, I care. But when I've been playing this for days, I will kill anyone who stays, I SWEAR!

Michael Scott: This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell outta here.

June Cleaver: Dear, do you think all parents have this much trouble?
Ward Cleaver: No, just parents with children.

Barney: Suit up!

Agent Hotchner: This is Special Agent Dr. Reid.
Man: You look too young to have gone to medical school.
Agent Reid: They are PhD's. Three of them.
Man: What, are you a genius or something?
Agent Reid: I don't believe that intelligence can be accurately quantified, but I do have an IQ of 187, an eidetic memory, can read 20,000 words per minute...yes, I'm a genius.

Paladin: I don't think you got a very good look at this gun while you had it. The balance is perfect. This trigger responds to a pressure of one ounce. If you look carefully in the barrel you'll see the lines of the rifling. It's a rarity in a hand weapon. This gun was handcrafted to my specifications and I rarely draw it unless I mean to use it. Would you care for a demonstration?

Christmas With the Joker - S1-E38
Joker: Jingle bells, Batman smells. Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile lost a wheel and the Joker got awaaaaaaaaayyyyy.

Frank Barone: What's for brunch, Marie?
Marie Barone: Ham.
Frank Barone: Excellent. I shall put on my ham pants.

Dying For Pie / Imitation Krabs - S2-E6
Mr. Krabs: What's the most important rule here?
Spongebob: No free napkins?
Mr. Krabs: No, the other most important rule!
Spongebob: Only discuss the secret formula with Mr Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: As long as you do that, the formula is safe.
Squidward: I thought the most important rule was why do today what you can put off for tomorrow?
Mr. Krabs: But what's today, but yesterday's tomorrow?
Squidward: What?

Fidelity (aka: Truth or Consequences) - S1-E7
House: As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Dr. Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.
House: So between us, we can do whatever we want. We can rule the world!

John Diggle: The knife.
Oliver Queen: Right. The knife. I got lucky.
John Diggle: That was a kitchen knife. It wasn't even weighted properly and yet you threw it with accuracy across a ten foot room.
Oliver Queen: Exactly. I got lucky.