Best TV quotes of all time

Friends picture

The One With The 'Cuffs - S4-E3

Joanna: What are you doing?
Chandler: I'm getting dressed.
Joanna: Why?
Chandler: Because when I go outside naked, people throw garbage at me.

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Supernatural picture

Pilot - S1-E1

Dean Winchester: Driver picks the music. Shotgun shuts his cakehole.

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Emergency! picture

All Night Long - S6-E21

[Henry, the dog who is never ever off the couch, whimpers.]
Johnny: [Talking to Henry, while typing on the typewriter.] Sorry. Didn't mean to disturb you. Acting kinda uppity aren't you? I may put you in the script. Yeah. A dog that does nothing. [Henry whimpers.] Just sits there. People like that, y'know. A schleppy dog. You'll schlep out on stage and schleep on the couch. Dumb dog! [Henry whimpers.] Making me feel guilty. Why don't you howl or something?

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Super Grover
Sherlock picture

A Scandal in Belgravia - S2-E1

Sherlock Holmes: Punch me in the face.
John Watson: Punch you?
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, punch me in the face. Didn't you hear me?
John Watson: I always hear "punch me in the face" when you're speaking, but it's usually subtext.

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Buffy The Vampire Slayer picture

Touched - S7-E20

Spike: You listen to me. [Kneels in front of her.] I've been alive a bit longer than you, and dead a lot longer than that. I've seen things you couldn't imagine, and done things I prefer you didn't. I don't exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood, which doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain. So I make a lot of mistakes, a lot of wrong bloody calls. A hundred plus years, and there's only one thing I've ever been sure of: you. [Buffy looks away; he reaches toward her face.] Hey, look at me. I'm not asking you for anything. When I say, "I love you, " it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman. You're the one, Buffy.
Buffy: [Quietly.] I don't wanna be the one.

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Family Guy picture

Lois: Hello?
Peter: I can't take the trash out today, I'm working late at the office.
Lois: The caller ID says you're calling from the kitchen. In fact I can see you.
Peter: [Edging sideways.] OK, can you see me now?
Lois: No.
Peter: Now I am at the office.

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SpongeBob SquarePants picture

Dying For Pie / Imitation Krabs - S2-E6

Mr. Krabs: What's the most important rule here?
Spongebob: No free napkins?
Mr. Krabs: No, the other most important rule!
Spongebob: Only discuss the secret formula with Mr Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: As long as you do that, the formula is safe.
Squidward: I thought the most important rule was why do today what you can put off for tomorrow?
Mr. Krabs: But what's today, but yesterday's tomorrow?
Squidward: What?

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Frasier picture

Frasier: Niles, I would shave my head for you.
Niles: A gesture which becomes less significant with each passing year.

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The Office picture

Episode 6 - S2-E6

David Brent: If you want the rainbow you got to take the rain too. You know which "philosopher" said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she's just a big pair of tits.

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Everybody Loves Raymond picture

Frank Barone: What's for brunch, Marie?
Marie Barone: Ham.
Frank Barone: Excellent. I shall put on my ham pants.

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Charmed picture

Paige: Well, you wanted to live like us. Now you get to die like us.

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Father Ted picture

Mrs Doyle: There's always time for a nice cup of tea. Sure, didn't the Lord himself pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world.
Father Ted: No, he didn't, Mrs Doyle!
Mrs Doyle: Well, whatever the equivalent they had for tea in those days, cake or something. And speaking of cake, I have cake!
[Holds up a cupcake.]
Father Ted: No thanks, Mrs Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: Are you sure, Father? There's cocaine in it!
Father Ted: WHAT?
Mrs Doyle: Oh, no, not cocaine. God, what am I on about. No, what d'you call them. Raisins.

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Blackadder picture

The Foretelling - S1-E1

Percy: It will be a great day tomorrow for we nobles.
Edmund: Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces. My arms will end up at Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up in a tree somewhere in Rutland.

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Sex and the City picture

Samantha: There isn't enough wall space in New York City to hang all of my exes. Let me tell you, a lot of them were hung.

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House, M.D. picture

Fidelity (aka: Truth or Consequences) - S1-E7

House: As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Dr. Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.
House: So between us, we can do whatever we want. We can rule the world!

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The Big Bang Theory picture

The Desperation Emanation - S4-E5

Leonard: All right. Well, let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?
Sheldon: Screwed.
Leonard: There ya go.

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Super Grover

17

Bones (2005)

Bones picture

Dr. Temperance Brennan: I've never gotten a B and I never will.
Seeley Booth: That's my girl.

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The Office picture

Michael Scott: This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell outta here.

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Star Trek picture

Spock: Live long and prosper.

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Grey's Anatomy picture

Dr. Meredith Grey: At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross.

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Married... with Children picture

The Mystery of Skull Island - S6-E14

Al Bundy: "I Care", by Al Bundy. When hooters jiggle around and I find nickels on the ground, I care. When a Mustang engine purrs and the bathroom is not hers, I care. When the pitchers on the mound and the wife is underground, I care. But when I've been playing this for days, I will kill anyone who stays, I SWEAR!

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Firefly picture

Jaynestown - S1-E4

[About Jayne's statue.]
Wash: I think they captured him. Captured his esscence, you know?
Kaylee: He looks kinda angry.
Wash: That's kinda what I meant.

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Seinfeld picture

The Wait Out - S7-E23

Elaine: The thing about George is, he's an idiot.

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M*A*S*H picture

Frank Burns: You disgust me!
Hawkeye: You're right, Frank... I discussed you with everyone I know and we all find you disgusting.

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The Simpsons picture

Tree House of Horror X - S11-E4

[The Simpsons are driving down a road as fast as possible.]
Homer: Dear God, it's Homer. If you really love me you'll save my life now.
[The gas needle immediately drops to empty and the car stops.]
Homer: D'oh.

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Doctor Who picture

The Satan Pit (2) - S2-E12

Doctor: So, that's the trap. Or the test or the final judgment, I don't know. But if I kill you, I kill her. Except that implies, in this big grand scheme of Gods and Devils, that she's just a victim. But I've seen a lot of this universe. I've seen fake gods and bad gods and demi-gods and would-be gods - out of all that - out of that whole pantheon - if I believe in one thing... Just one thing... I believe in her.

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27

Angel (1999)

Angel picture

Waiting In The Wings - S3-E13

Cordelia: You want I should distract him? Make with the nice-nice while you slip by?
Angel: Don't be stupid. I'm that guy and the most beautiful woman I've ever seen is making eyes at me? It's either a bachelor party or a scam.
Cordelia: What did you just call me?
Angel: I'm sorry. You're not stupid.
Cordelia: No, after that.

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28

Glee (2009)

Glee picture

Showmance - S1-E2

Rachel: I tried, but I don't have a gag reflex.
Emma: When you're older, that will turn out to be a gift.

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29

Arrow (2012)

Arrow picture

Honor Thy Father - S1-E2

John Diggle: The knife.
Oliver Queen: Right. The knife. I got lucky.
John Diggle: That was a kitchen knife. It wasn't even weighted properly and yet you threw it with accuracy across a ten foot room.
Oliver Queen: Exactly. I got lucky.

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30

Monk (2002)

Monk picture

Monk: It's a gift...and a curse.

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