Best comedy TV quotes of all time

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Scooby-Doo, Where Are You! picture

Never Ape and Ape Man - S1-E7

Shaggy: Scooby-Snacks won't work on me this time.
Daphne: Would you do it for a Shaggy-Snack? A little something I whipped up.
Shaggy: Huh? A Shaggy-Snack?
Daphne: Yes, it's a pot-pie, with pizza crust, anchovies, pepperoni, cherries, all in a thick chocolate sauce.
Shaggy: Hahahaha! I'll do it! I'll do it!

Quantom X Premium member

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Green Acres picture

TV Kiddie Show Host: Sure, I remember that kid, he had on the most realistic looking pig costume I've ever seen. He won first prize.
Oliver Douglas: No, you don't understand, Arnold is a real PIG.
TV Kiddie Show Host: I'll say he is! We had five gallons of ice cream for those kids, and he ate every bit of it himself.

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Mary Tyler Moore picture

Lou Grant: Put it on an idiot card for Ted.
Ted Baxter: Cue cards, Lou. I don't know why everyone insists on calling cue cards idiot cards.
Murray Slaughter: We just have trouble thinking of you as a cue.

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Wings picture

Joe Hackett: This is the dumbest thing Brian's ever done, and he once painted me blue.

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Kolchak: The Night Stalker picture

Coach Toomey: Actually, Burdett never made the team.
Carl Kolchak: No?
Coach Toomey: You see, his butterfly stroke was like an effeminate moth.

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The Facts of Life picture

Blair Warner: I don't go to wing-dings, I go to cotillions.
Jo Polniaczek: Well if that is a dance at the Hillcrest Country Club, then your cotillion and my wing-ding are the same thing.

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Future Man picture

Haven Is for Real - S3-E5

[Watching a dreadful performance by James Dean.]
Josh: I gotta get some air.
Abraham Lincoln: I don't blame you. This is the worst theater experience I've ever had.

Jon Sandys Premium member

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Kirby: Right Back at Ya! picture

Meta Knight: Your spirit is willing but your pink flesh is weak.

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Bottom picture

Parade - S2-E4

Eddie: So, er, what did you do then?
Falklands War Vet: Well, I'd rather not talk about it.
Eddie: Why? Is it embarrassing? Shit your pants, did you? Cry, did you?
Falklands War Vet: Quite the opposite, actually.
Eddie: What, you sucked water in through your eyes?

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The Addams Family picture

Wednesday: Dear Santa, we just wanted you to know that even though Mr. Thompson says that there was no such thing as Santa Claus, we didn't believe him. So please come or else it will make us look like dummies. Signed Wednesday and Pugsley Addams.

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Absolutely Fabulous picture

Sarah: Does your mother know you write plays and things?
Saffie: No, and I don't want her to either, so don't say anything.
Sarah: Oh, you don't need to worry. I don't speak to her anymore. Not since she gave me that chemical peel.
Saffie: Well, it wasn't so much chemical. And not so much peel. She set fire to your pig-tails.
Sarah: It's a good job I'm thick-skinned... Well, except for the shoulder.

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Everybody Hates Chris picture

Rochelle Rock: I'm gonna slap the black off you.

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The Andy Griffith Show picture

Opie's Group - S8-E9

Andy: Clara, sometimes a parent can't see what he should do, and sometimes it takes a person from the outside to show him. And I'd like to thank you.
Clara: Groovy.

Super Grover Premium member

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The Suite Life of Zack and Cody picture

Day Care - S2-E3

Zack: [Watching Cody calming a baby.] Wow, how'd you figure out that rock and bounce technique?
Cody: It's not a technique. I just really have to go to the bathroom!

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The Loud House picture

Luna: Lincoln why didn't you tell us you had a girlfriend?

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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia picture

Charlie Kelly: Cat in the wall, eh? Okay, now you're talkin' my language! I know that game.

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Shameless picture

Debbie Gallagher: That's right. no ONE fucks with A gallagher.

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Grounded for Life picture

Henry Finnerty: Wow, that ride must be really scary. Those two guys are holding hands.
James "Jimmy" Finnerty: That's the line for cotton candy.

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