Best comedy TV quotes of all time

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Everybody Loves Raymond picture

Frank Barone: What's for brunch, Marie?
Marie Barone: Ham.
Frank Barone: Excellent. I shall put on my ham pants.

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SpongeBob SquarePants picture

Dying For Pie / Imitation Krabs - S2-E6

Mr. Krabs: What's the most important rule here?
Spongebob: No free napkins?
Mr. Krabs: No, the other most important rule!
Spongebob: Only discuss the secret formula with Mr Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: As long as you do that, the formula is safe.
Squidward: I thought the most important rule was why do today what you can put off for tomorrow?
Mr. Krabs: But what's today, but yesterday's tomorrow?
Squidward: What?

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Futurama picture

My Problem With Popplers (a.k.a. The Problem With Popplers) - S2-E18

Fry/Bender: Pop a Poppler in your mouth, When you come to Fishy Joe's, What they're made of is a mystery, Where they come from, no one knows. You can pick 'em, you can lick 'em, You can chew 'em, you can stick 'em, And if you promise not to sue us, You can shove one up your nose.

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Blackadder picture

Plan B: Corporal Punishment - S4-E2

Blackadder: I remember Massingbird's most famous case - the Case of the Bloody Knife. A man was found next to a murdered body. He had the knife in his hand, thirteen witnesses had seen him stab the victim and when the police arrived he said 'I'm glad I killed the bastard.' Massingbird not only got him off, he got hom knighted in the New Year's Honours list, and the relatives of the victim had to pay to get the blood washed out of his jacket.

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Sex and the City picture

Charlotte: How can you forget a guy you've slept with?
Carrie: Toto, I don't think we're in single digits anymore.

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Scrubs picture

Elliot: Dr. Cox, does this lipstick make me look like a clown?
Dr. Cox: No, Barbie... It makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively TO clowns.

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Gilmore Girls picture

Pilot - S1-E1

Rory: You sound happy.
Lorelai: I am, kid.
Rory: Did you do something slutty?
Lorelai: I'm not that happy.

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The Simpsons picture

Tree House of Horror X - S11-E4

[The Simpsons are driving down a road as fast as possible.]
Homer: Dear God, it's Homer. If you really love me you'll save my life now.
[The gas needle immediately drops to empty and the car stops.]
Homer: D'oh.

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Fawlty Towers picture

Communication Problems (a.k.a. Theft) - S2-E1

Mrs Richards: And another thing. I expect to be able to see the sea.
Basil: [whispering to Manuel.] Deaf, Mad and Blind. [To Mrs Richards.] Yes, this is the view as far as I can remember... Yes, yes it is.
Mrs Richards: When I pay for a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
Basil: But that is Torquay, madam.
Mrs Richards: Well it's not good enough.
Basil: Well may I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically across the plain...
Mrs Richards: [interrupting.] Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
Basil: You CAN see the sea! It's over there between the land and the sky!
Mrs Richards: I'd need a telescope to see that.
Basil: Well might I suggest you move to a hotel closer to the sea. Or preferably in it.
Mrs Richards: Now listen to me. I'm not satisified but I've decided to stay. HOWEVER, I shall expect a deduction.
Basil: Why, because Krakatoa isn't erupting at the moment?
Mrs Richards: Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible and the radio doesn't work.
Basil: No, the radio works. You don't.

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The Office picture

Episode 6 - S2-E6

David Brent: If you want the rainbow you got to take the rain too. You know which "philosopher" said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she's just a big pair of tits.

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Good Omens picture

Hard Times - S1-E3

Crowley: That unicorn's gonna make a run for it! Oh, it's too late. It's too late! Ah, you've still got one of them.

Jon Sandys Premium member

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3rd Rock from the Sun picture

See Dick Run (1) - S1-E20

Sally: You know, I just really resent how we're supposed to jump every time the Big Giant Head sends a message.
Dick: I know. Everyone knows he only got the job by kissing the big giant butt.

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Mama's Family picture

Naomi Oates Harper: Sonja, honey, did your mama ever talk to you about boys?
Sonja Harper: Well, she told me never to marry a locksmith.

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Rick and Morty picture

Something Ricked This Way Comes - S1-E9

Rick: Cute, your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded.
Morty: Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick, I, I don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know.
Rick: Morty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. I'm stating the fact if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded.
Morty: Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I, I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that feel like they're doing the right thing.
Rick: Well, that's retarded.

Bishop73

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Cheers picture

Woody: Jack Frost nipping at your toes, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Yeah, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver.

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Are You Being Served? picture

German Week - S3-E6

Miss Brahms: I think Mr. Rumbold should dress up as something.
Mrs. Slocombe: Yes. Wasn't Frankenstein a German?
Miss Brahms: That's right. With his nuts in his neck. [Makes twisting motions with her fingers near her neck.] Like that.
Mr. Rumbold: I wouldn't be able to take part, of course, in case I was summoned to a board meeting. But I see no reason why Captain Peacock shouldn't participate.
Captain Peacock: I can think of lots of reason why I shouldn't participate. Somebody has to have authority over the floor and these clothes that I wear symbolize that authority.
Mr Lucas: Why don't you dress up as Hitler?

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Lazytown picture

Robbie Rotten: Have you ever heard the sound of a rubber ball breaking a window?
Trixie: Nuh uh.
Robbie Rotten: Would you like to?

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Animaniacs picture

Man: Do you know who I am?
Yakko: Why? Did you forget?

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F Troop picture

Chief Wild Eagle: It is balloon.

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Becker picture

Dr. John Becker: The world is full of idiots, and someone needs to point it out to them or they will never know.

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