Best comedy TV quotes of all time

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Futurama picture

My Problem With Popplers (a.k.a. The Problem With Popplers) - S2-E18

Fry/Bender: Pop a Poppler in your mouth, When you come to Fishy Joe's, What they're made of is a mystery, Where they come from, no one knows. You can pick 'em, you can lick 'em, You can chew 'em, you can stick 'em, And if you promise not to sue us, You can shove one up your nose.

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The Brady Bunch picture

Bobby Brady: Mom always says not to play ball in the house.

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Are You Being Served? picture

Mr. Humphries: I'm free!

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Fawlty Towers picture

Communication Problems (a.k.a. Theft) - S2-E1

Mrs Richards: And another thing. I expect to be able to see the sea.
Basil: [whispering to Manuel.] Deaf, Mad and Blind. [To Mrs Richards.] Yes, this is the view as far as I can remember... Yes, yes it is.
Mrs Richards: When I pay for a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
Basil: But that is Torquay, madam.
Mrs Richards: Well it's not good enough.
Basil: Well may I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically across the plain...
Mrs Richards: [interrupting.] Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
Basil: You CAN see the sea! It's over there between the land and the sky!
Mrs Richards: I'd need a telescope to see that.
Basil: Well might I suggest you move to a hotel closer to the sea. Or preferably in it.
Mrs Richards: Now listen to me. I'm not satisified but I've decided to stay. HOWEVER, I shall expect a deduction.
Basil: Why, because Krakatoa isn't erupting at the moment?
Mrs Richards: Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible and the radio doesn't work.
Basil: No, the radio works. You don't.

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Monk picture

Monk: It's a gift...and a curse.

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Sex and the City picture

Charlotte: How can you forget a guy you've slept with?
Carrie: Toto, I don't think we're in single digits anymore.

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Rick and Morty picture

Something Ricked This Way Comes - S1-E9

Rick: Cute, your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded.
Morty: Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick, I, I don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know.
Rick: Morty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. I'm stating the fact if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded.
Morty: Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I, I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that feel like they're doing the right thing.
Rick: Well, that's retarded.

Bishop73
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Cheers picture

Woody: Jack Frost nipping at your toes, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Yeah, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver.

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Modern Family picture

Jay Pritchett: God knows I couldn't love them more, but even the Kennedy's didn't get together this often.

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The Andy Griffith Show picture

Opie's Group - S8-E9

Andy: Clara, sometimes a parent can't see what he should do, and sometimes it takes a person from the outside to show him. And I'd like to thank you.
Clara: Groovy.

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Taxi picture

Reverend Jim: a Space Odyssey - S2-E3

Jim: Can you guess how many drugs I did?
Elaine: A lot.
Jim: Wow! Right on the nose!

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The King of Queens picture

Fatty McButterpants - S3-E3

Carrie Heffernan: Ok, Maybe you're a little...big.
Arthur Spooner: Why is this even a discussion? The man's gargantuan.

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Only Fools and Horses picture

Uncle Albert: Is that the radio I hear, Rodney?
Rodney: No, Elton John popped in and he's rehearsing in the kitchen!

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Lazytown picture

Robbie Rotten: Have you ever heard the sound of a rubber ball breaking a window?
Trixie: Nuh uh.
Robbie Rotten: Would you like to?

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Gilmore Girls picture

Pilot - S1-E1

Rory: You look happy.
Lorelai: I am, kid.
Rory: Did you do something slutty?
Lorelai: I'm not that happy.

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Night Court picture

Mac's Dilemma - S5-E6

Harry Stone: Who's first, Mac?
Mac: People versus Shibata.
Harry Stone: To what do we owe the pleasure of Mr. Shibata's company?
Dan Fielding: Well, sir, it seems Mr. Shibata was caught rolling for dollars with, um, these three rarely upstanding women.
Harry Stone: All three? That's illegal. And quite impressive.
Dan Fielding: When he was apprehended he had a fifty gallon drum of soy sauce and they were in the middle of something called a "Sukiyaki Slam-bam."
Christine Sullivan: Uh, sir, uh, while neighbors in adjoining rooms did complain for over seven hours I believe that Mr. S...
Mac/Harry/Dan: Seven hours?!
[Mr. Shibata bows to Dan, Harry, and Mac and they bow back]
Dan Fielding: My god, man, how do you do it?
Mr. Shibata: Every day, I swim ten miles, eat one hundred oysters and sit in a barrel of pickle brine.
Dan Fielding: [to stenographer] You got that?
[Stenographer nods].

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Grey's Anatomy picture

Dr. Meredith Grey: At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross.

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Seinfeld picture

The Wait Out - S7-E23

Elaine: The thing about George is, he's an idiot.

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Friday Night Dinner picture

The Girlfriend - S3-E1

Jackie: Oh I love your hair
Emma: Oh thanks. I grew it myself.

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The Thin Blue Line picture

Season 1 generally

Inspector Grim: It's my arse on the line and I don't want a cock-up!

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