Barely Legal - S5-E8
Connie: You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed. So, you're going to have to leave. But Brian can stay.
Brian Griffin: You know, Connie, I think I have this theory about why you're such a bitch.
Connie: Excuse me?
Meg Griffin: Brian, let's just go.
Brian Griffin: No, no, no, no, no, no. Hang on a minute, Meg, hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving handjobs when you were twelve. But now you can't stand to look in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age nineteen, you're gonna be a worn out chalky skinned burlap sack that even your own stepdad won't want. How is that? Am I in the ballpark?
[Connie runs off crying].
[The Smiths have just heard a news report on TV about a crime on their street.]
Stan: Right in our own neighborhood. Well it's clear the time has come for me to show you where we hide our guns.
[Pulls a gun out from under the table.]
Stan: Glock. Seventeen shots. [Takes pen from a pen holder.] Pen gun. Mightier than the sword. [Pulls sword out of knife holder.] Sword gun. Mightier than the pen gun. [Opens pantry door.] AR-15. MK-5. Mac-10. Paprika.
Francine: That's weird. I use that pantry a lot.
Stan: And the paprika not enough.
Hayley: I can't believe this house is teeming with guns. Guns kill.
Stan: Oh. Guns kill. Is that right? [Takes gun out of jacket and puts it on the table.] Well, let's see about that. Okay, gun. Kill. Go ahead. Kill someone. Don't be shy. See? Guns don't kill people. People kill people. Guns defend people against people with smaller guns.
Hayley: You're such a fascist.
Stan: Peace pusher.
Hayley: Murderer.
Stan: Hermaphrodite.
Francine: Stan!
Stan: I'm swinging wild, Francine.
Dying For Pie / Imitation Krabs - S2-E6
Mr. Krabs: What's the most important rule here?
Spongebob: No free napkins?
Mr. Krabs: No, the other most important rule!
Spongebob: Only discuss the secret formula with Mr Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: As long as you do that, the formula is safe.
Squidward: I thought the most important rule was why do today what you can put off for tomorrow?
Mr. Krabs: But what's today, but yesterday's tomorrow?
Squidward: What?
My Problem With Popplers (a.k.a. The Problem With Popplers) - S2-E18
Fry/Bender: Pop a Poppler in your mouth, When you come to Fishy Joe's, What they're made of is a mystery, Where they come from, no one knows. You can pick 'em, you can lick 'em, You can chew 'em, you can stick 'em, And if you promise not to sue us, You can shove one up your nose.
Tree House of Horror X - S11-E4
[The Simpsons are driving down a road as fast as possible.]
Homer: Dear God, it's Homer. If you really love me you'll save my life now.
[The gas needle immediately drops to empty and the car stops.]
Homer: D'oh.
Christmas With the Joker - S1-E38
Joker: Jingle bells, Batman smells. Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile lost a wheel and the Joker got awaaaaaaaaayyyyy.
Man: Do you know who I am?
Yakko: Why? Did you forget?
Something Ricked This Way Comes - S1-E9
Rick: Cute, your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded.
Morty: Ooh. Oh, boy, Rick, I, I don't think you're allowed to say that word, you know.
Rick: Morty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. I'm stating the fact if I had used this microscope, it would have made me mentally retarded.
Morty: Okay, yeah, but I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I, I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that feel like they're doing the right thing.
Rick: Well, that's retarded.
Iron Forged in Fire: Part One - S1-E1
Math Professor: What you’re looking at here is widely thought to be the hardest math equation in the world, and has yet to be solved. What we are doing today is far less difficult, and...
Tony Stark: Sir? 42.
Meta Knight: Your spirit is willing but your pink flesh is weak.
Egon Spengler: Notice the vacant stare, the completely mindless look. That could only mean one thing.
Winston Zeddemore (I): She's from California?
Egon Spengler: No. She's been hypnotized.
1337: Well... I'm one heck of a mama myself.
Jake's Mom: Your sister really looks up to you.
Jake Long: She's two feet tall! She looks up to everybody!
Night of a Thousand Stars - S2-E11
Korra: You have a battleship?
Varrick: Of course I do! I bought the first one they made! Named her the Zhu Li.
Bolin: You named your battleship after your assistant?
Varrick: Yep! They're both cold, heartless war machines.
Interviewer: Well, can you... destroy the Earth?
Tick: Egad. I hope not. That's where I keep all my stuff.
